Pages

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Of Adapting~

This Ramadhan has been a testing month. Not because of the fasting or the traffic or anything like that. But its the feeling I get during this month. I don't know why. I feel more emotional. I reminisce a lot during this month. The things that I took for granted. You. Even the simple things in life.

Before I was married, I consider myself to be an independent person. Being the eldest and all, I'd like to think myself as independent. Back then I drove myself everywhere usually alone. I didn't seem to think that it was troublesome back then. After being married, you were the one that drove me everywhere. You were my personal driver. My chauffeur. My suami. Our office merely 5 minutes away saw us going to and back from work together. I got used to you driving me around and me being the Ma'am Besar. I guess I took that for granted. I know I took that for granted eventhough at times I relay my appreciation towards you driving me around. We used to joke around and say "Bertuah I ada suami/isteri macam you. Alhamdulillah~" whenever we want to voice out our thanks/appreciation for the other.

Yesterday, I was craving for Puteri's tauhu kuah kacang and kuih lopes. Thought I would drop by after work. But knowing TTDI during Ramadhan and bazaar nya lagi..parking was a nightmare. I didn't manage to get my tauhu. I used to remember last year or at times like these when parking was difficult you would just drop me off, then you would circle around looking for a parking/standing spot and then once I'm done you would fetch me. At that time I took all of this for granted. I never thought much of it. Until now :( Wish you were here.

Last year during Ramadhan, you would fetch me at my office at 4.30pm. Then we would go to TTDI's bazaar, fetch the kids and go back home. Now, everyday I pass by that bazaar..see the throngs of people and reminisced on what once was. Huhu. Bukannya I miss the bazaar but the time that I get to spend with you going to the bazaar. It was a fun occasion. Missing you dearly H.

Then there's living with my family. I love them dearly but since being married with you I was treated like a princess and I never even knew it. You put me/my needs above yours. Back then I never thought much about it. I thought.."ooh..suami memang kena buat mcmtu kot." But now I know how much you loved me. How much you loved us. Thank you sayang for being the best husband and abah to the kids. I'm so grateful to have had a husband like you and to get to feel the love from you. There are some less unfortunate that do not get to feel this kind of love. May Allah shower them with His love. 

You loved me without judgement. Eventhough you judge, I tak terasa sangat because I knew that was just you teasing. Like the other day, I'm a picky eater...my family knows that..you know that..most people close knows that. But my family - God bless them, I know they have good intentions and all..but they judge me and say something like 'You ni..boleh ke jangan choose makanan? Belajar lah makan itu lalala." Its actually a normal thing and I know its for my own good but I dunno why I terasa at that time. Call it PMS. Duh! Back then, whenever, I get that line I would just ignore it and take it in like a pinch of salt. It didn't matter what they say because I know I always had you. If I say the same thing to you, you would never judge. You would just layan me and accept me for who I am. Picky eater or not. You would love me for who I am and did not try to change me. Eventhough it was not always the case..but usually the other way round. I always wanted to try and change some part of you..hihihi. But that's another story altogether.

Sometimes, it's just really sad. I no longer have someone to have my back. Whom I can always be honest 100% to. Whom I can always be myself 100% to. I miss you. I miss the way how you treat me. I miss the way how you make me feel. I miss all of you. Your body..your heart..your soul.

Ya Allah..please make me strong to go through this test of yours. Make me come out a better person through it all. Guide me to the right way. Ya Allah..please bless us all and grant us your mercy. 

Thank you Allah for lending H to us all this time. 

Al-fatihah to Allahyarham Ahmad Zulhilmi Assanah (Nov 1984 - April 2015)
Love you till Jannah~

I know its cliche, but now I truly get the meaning of 'love you till Jannah'. May you be at peace over there H. May we meet again...see you soon..inshaaAllah.

Night and day, I still feel you are close to me
And I remember you in every prayer that I make
Every single day may you be shaded by His mercy
But life is not the same, and it will never be the same
But I'm so thankful for every moment I shared with you
Cause I know this life is not forever

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Of trying to move on~

Assalamualaikum Hilmi. I hope you are fine and resting in peace over there. Its the 4th day of Ramadhan 1436H. My first Ramadhan without you. We met and went out for the first time 7 Ramadhan's ago. Iftar and Tarawih.

Its my first night here in the house since the accident. Its been 2 months now. Its not the same. It doesn't feel like home anymore. It didn't feel like this when I came over 2 weeks ago to get some things from the house. I dunno why it feels different now.

I guess because I already have another routine back in Bangi? Going to work, the commute, the routine so maybe this routine that I am so accustomed to now feels 'weird'? I dunno :(

I came across a letter that I found about while looking through your stuff. It amazes me that I found the letter at the perfect time. I got the feeling that it was meant to be found. It's like Allah guided me to look through your other bag and find it. Mashaa Allah...He and His powers. I didn't even know you had the letter made. Usually I know all these sort of things. This time I didn't..but Allah designed it so perfectly so that I would find it. If I hadn't gone for this sleepover I wouldn't have the time to go through your old stuff here in the room, then I wouldn't have found it. Even later if I did, it would all be too late. Mashaa Allah..He has plans that only He knows the extent of it. And then, that letter dated Oct 2014, about 6 months ago..its like you know and you were getting prepared for whats to come. Ya Allah. It gives me the shivers to think of His power and knowledge.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My first night sleeping in the room without you. It felt different. I felt hollow inside. Sometimes I try to picture you on your side of the bed. I picture you walking about in the room. But then all is left are the memories that we had.

This house also feels empty. It feels incomplete. 3 of its residents no longer here. Adil asked where was Tok Bah. He asked if Tok Bah was upstairs like where he used to be. I didn't expect that from Adil. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he forgot. I had to explain again where Tok Bah was in a completely fake calm serene voice. Oh Adil~

We did solat berjemaah together dinner. Just like old times. This time Din was the imam. Previously it was Abah or if he was not around it would be you. I don't think I pernah solat and Din was the imam. Selalu ikut ranking seniority and you were the abang.

The one thing I miss most since you were not around is having an imam. You were my imam back then. We would try to pray together whenever we could. Its a trait/habit that I admire from your family's side. Always perfoming solah berjemaah. As for us, we would usually pray together during the weekends or for Isha' when the kids were asleep. I miss those moments. Baca doa lepas solat together. You suka baca doa and zikir panjang sampai I ngantuk. Huhu. I miss those times on the prayer mat. It all started masa I pregnant, I sakit belakang so you asked me to baring on your lap. You continued on while tepuk-tepuk I like a baby. It was so comforting. I felt so safe..so at home. And somehow it continued on whenever I penat..I will lay my head on your head sambil bertelekung and berzikir. I miss those days. Those moments. I miss you. Everytime I finish solat, I'll think of you. I'll think of those moments that we had together.

But all these nikmats hanya pinjaman Allah. Alhamdulillah for all the blessings that you have showered upon us. We put our heart out for the dunya when in fact we should have our heart set for Allah. Ya Allah..please forgive us, have mercy on us and guide us to the right path. Inshaa Allah.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Of continuing....

Today is the first day I'm back at the office after so long. After 7 weeks. Someone even thought that I had resigned. Pffttt~

It feels weird. Coming back to my normal routine. It feels normal...at the same time it doesn't.

The things that we used to do..no longer. I missed those moments.

Waking up. Getting ready. You driving us. You dropping me at work. Parking at our usual spot while I kiss and wave all my 3 boys goodbye. You continue on sending the kids off to school. I would go about my morning. At around noon I'll be texting you asking you what's for lunch. I always ask yet you always ask me back. I always get first pick. You pamper me as such. I loved that. That's why I loved having lunch with you. It was also another time for us to have our alone time..without the kids..just us two. Everyday is date day. Yeayy! Except for some days when work gets in the way. But mostly we'll have lunch together. Our time to reconnect...even for an hour. I miss those times. Just simple pleasures but it meant a lot to me. I always thank you after..for taking me out for lunch. A happy tummy and a happier me. You always know how to make me happy.

Then we would go about our afternoon at work. Later in the evening, you would pick up the kids and then pick me up. My boys will be patiently waiting for me to finish work to head home. It was a welcoming sight to get in the car with my favourite boys. Now my boys are short by one :(

After, we would decide on where to have dinner..depending on the traffic. Lately, before you left we were avid dwellers of The Curve and OU. The kids most favourite places to go. It was easy to make them happy. You pon ok je nak layan diorang. I feel a pang of nostalgia whenever I set my eyes upon our regular places. I passed by Popular today and glanced at the magazine section. You always used to be there..waiting for me. Today..it was empty. No you...with your smile..with the way you hold the magazine to read it. I miss that. I miss your face. Running my hand through your hair. Holding your hands and feeling the warmth and that it moulds so perfectly into mines. I always feel safe walking next to you. My own personal bodyguard. I miss you. Your heart...your soul. I miss all of you T_T

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to put a brave front. People at work ask how I am. I don't have an answer but to just to tell them I'm ok..I'm doing fine. People would never know how I feel. Only He does.

I'm being emotional because its my first day back at work. The feeling that it's the same..but it's not.

I hope I'll be doing OK. I hope we'll be doing OK. My only fear is that I start to forget. I don't want to  ever forget. I want to remember all the tiny details if possible. But I am only human. I pray everyday that I would never forget. I will hold the memories that we had and cherish them for as long as I can. I love you H. I miss you so much. You were such a great husband. The greatest dad that the kids could ask for. I hope our love will stay strong till jannah. I'll keep on praying for you. I'll keep on remembering you. Love you sayang. Always have. Always will. Suamiku. Al-fatihah.

From my seat..glancing left I can see your workplace. This place...the memories :( May you rest in peace sayang.