Of Plannings

It's been a while since I haven't written here. I don't know what this blog's purpose is anymore. It's becoming a place where once in a while I vent out when my inner-writer-persona takes over. Haha. Sometimes it's just refreshing to read back the entries and know what I went through during a certain period of time. 

As for updates, Alhamdulillah, I am now pregnant with baby number 2. It wasn't an expected pregnancy as I've done the necessary precautions needed for family planning. Always a fan for big families, my ultimate plan was to have 6 children. That number came down to a 4 after I had to go for c-sect with baby number 1 (and after realizing that it is wayy HARD to raise up a child..oohh the responsibilities. And I don't mean the physical stuff..diaper changing..long nights and stuff..its the character building of a child that I'm worried about. I'm not sure that I can raise up 1 child well, let alone 6!). My plan was to start trying for baby number two after Aqil turned 2. But Allah knows best. I had mixed emotions when I took the self pregnancy test at home and it came out positive. Took it in the morning and woke up hubby instantly. He was overjoyed of course. But it took me a while to adjust to the news. I was overwhelmed. Of course I was happy. Another baby..yeayyy~ Sooo cuuteee..sooo tiny. But feelings of insecurities also passed over me. "This is not the best time to have another baby." "I am sooo not ready." "Aqil is still little..still a baby." "We are not financially ready." All of this went through my head. Of course being the worrywart and overthinker that I am, when I voiced out my thoughts to dear hubby he just shrugged it all away saying that "InshaAllah we can work through this. This is a blessing from Allah. We should embrace it." It's a bit comforting to know that you have a partner who always think  positively, but at the same time it irks me. How can he be sooo cool over this? Has he even considered all the factors and variables needed? Haiihh.

It took some time for me to adjust to it. It also took some while for me to break the news to the family. I was worried what people would say. Worry what 'lectures' I would get. But Alhamdulillah, they have been supportive all the way. But I learnt, only you yourself can change your attitude towards something. If you see it in a positive manner, then a positive outcome it may be and vice versa. If I remember anything clearly from that event, it is the fear that Allah would be disappointed that I would lament such a miraculous gift that so many people prayed endless nights for. What if He were to take it back? I would feel devastated. In an effort to change my attitude I tried to go with hubby's advice and just embrace it. Of course, as time goes by the pregnancy began to grow on me, figuratively speaking as I can see from my growing belly :p A few other things also happened along the way but is too personal for me to write down here. We can only plan but Allah is the best of planners.

Some things are beyond planning. Life doesn't always turn out as planned.

You don't plan for a broken heart.

You don't plan an autistic child.

You don't plan to be single forever.

You don't plan for a lump in your breast. Or a disease. Or broken bones.

You plan to be young forever. You plan to climb the corporate ladder.

You plan to be rich and powerful. You plan to be acclaimed and successful.

You plan to conquer the universe. You plan to fall in love - and be loved forever.

You don't plan to be sad. You don't plan to be shattered. You don't plan to be hurt. You don't plan to be broke.

You don;t plan to be betrayed. You don;t plan to be alone in this world.

Sometimes, if you work hard enough, you can get what you want. but MOST times, what you want and what you get are two different things.

We, mortals, plan. But so does Allah in the heavens. Sometimes, it is difficult to understand Allah's plans, especially when His plans are not simultaneous with ours. Often, when He sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger..in despair.  

True, we cannot choose what Allah wishes us to carry, but we can carry it with courage knowing that He will never abandon us nor send something we cannot cope with.

Sometimes, Allah breaks our spirit to save our soul.

Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole.

Sometimes, He allows pain so we can be stronger.

Sometimes, Allah sends us failure so we can be humble.

Sometimes, He allows illness so we can take better care of ourselves.

And sometimes, Allah takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything He gave us.

Make plans, but understand that we live only by Allah's grace and His Rahmah (mercy)...

And we turn 2!

2 years ago...24/7/2009 I became a wife.

Inshaallah together hingga ke syurga..ameen.

2 years ago..I started sharing my world and my life with my husband. It took some time for me to adjust and to adapt living and letting someone into my life. It has been quite a journey. Full of ups and downs. I just can't believe its been 2 years already. It seemed longer than that. I learned quite a lot along the way..on slowly knowing about my husband's habits, his little quirks, his strengths, his vices, his preferences, his knowledge, his thoughts on life.  Its an ongoing process and I'm still learning~ I've also learned a thing or two about myself too and get an opinion from his point of view and how he (or everyone else) sees something which I sometimes am too emotionally caught up in something to see .

Of course we have had our disagreements and some of them were a bit nasty. I'm not proud of how I handled things. I can be quite hard headed and overly emotional (girls..pfftt~) sometimes while he can be ever so cool. It irks me sometimes to see him ever so calm when I am fuming inside. Haiih. I used to be the calm and collected one, but since I met him, I guess things have turned their way around :p 

All in all..Alhamdulillah I have my husband beside me, who gets me (well most of the time anyway :p), who's made me laugh, made me cry, wiped my tears, hugged me tight, saying everything's going to be alright, watched me succeed, seen me fail, cheered me on, kept me going strong, put up with all my mood swings, keeps me sane, keeps me grounded and overall makes me become a much better person throughout. What more could a girl as for in a husband right? :) I am blessed Alhamdulillah~ 

I'm thankful to be celebrating my anniversary with the guy who still makes me feel giddy :p

Happy 2nd Anniversary Ahmad Zulhilmi Assanah~ :)

Love you~ ♥

Take 5

I'm feeling a bit down. Have been studying hard but it seems like there's no progress. So much to do. Aaahh~ Stressed~ It reminds me of the good old studying days. I miss those days. Studying keeps your mind alert, fresh and sharp. I think my mind is getting a wee bit rusty. Is it because of the age factor? Am I showing signs that I'm going old? Eeeekk~ 

Must not give up. Must keep on going Una~ Haiihh. It's tiring when I get my brains going in high gear. It's just not as before la. I just need to take a break from it all and vent out here a bit :p

It's not like I haven't done anything to stimulate my brains all these while. I guess by playing too much Scrabble and Bookworm doesn't help as much as I would have hoped...hehe :p 

My all time favourite~

I've also read somewhere that breastfeeding also plays a part in mom's not being as 'sharp' as before. I read that by breastfeeding, the baby takes most of the nutrients from their mothers. The baby also takes this element (I forgot what it is) that is needed to form and build the synapses in the baby's brain which is rapidly developing and growing in the first few months. That's why some breastfeeding mom's, they tend to feel forgetful and sometimes even encounter those bimbo-ish moments. I guess that and also the fact of trying to cope with the craziness of having a baby around. Huhu. But anything for the baby kan? I guess every mom wants the best for their babies. So to top it off, it's good to have that daily dose of fish oil which is filled with omega and good for brain development. I've been taking Blackmore's Omega Memo from when I started out breastfeeding. It has higher DHA compared to EPA. DHA is good for the brains whiles EPA is good for the heart (and all this while i thought it was more or less the same :p).

Besides from the Omega Memo, I've also been taking calcium supplement (because I'm lactose intolerant) and Vitamin C to make my milk more nutritious for Aqil. I'm picky when it comes to food (NOT a good trait) and need to take supplements to top up where I lack. Huhu.

I've also been trying to get Aqil to drink Scott's Emulsion to boost up his immune system but it seems that he's not too keen on taking it :( I bought the Orange Flavoured one and not the Original one pon die tak nak jugak. Aqil memang tak suke makan ubat. Everytime nak bagi Aqil his meds, nanti die muntahkan balek. There's only like 10% chance that when bagi ubat, he'll keep it down without a fuss. Macam mana eh nak bagi budak makan ubat? Huhu. I haven't tried fish oil yang liquid selalu makan yang capsules je and was quite surprised to find it delicious. Hoho. No wonder Hilmi has offered to finish up the bottle since Aqil won't take it. Sedap rupenye :p

On another note, since I have been taking Fenugreek for about a week now, Alhamdulillah my milk supply has gradually increased. Now I can pump enough milk for Aqil's nursery and even some left for the next day. I know it's not like back then when I had a freezer full of milk supply but I take what I can. Now kejap je my boobs dah full. Baru je pump a few hours back and now have to pump lagi. I can't be picky. Beggars can't be choosers~ 

Breastpump Review

I've been using Medela Swing for the past year now. And so far it hasn't disappointed me one bit. So here's a little review on the breastpump's that I've used and the one that's on my wishlist in the future. Hehe :p

Medela Mini-E

This pump is okay for an electronic pump. The downside, like I've said before is the noise. It makes a terribly noisy sound..like a lawn mower. The suction is okay, the Swing's suction is better. The breastshield is quite hard..plastic. Have to provide 4 AA batteries if you're using it on the go (I usually use it in the car).

Medela Mini-E. Bought at Mom's Care, Ampang Point for RM469.

Medela Swing

Better than the Mini-E. Suction is better. Has two suction modes, stimulation phase to stimulate let-down reflex and then the expression phase where the pump moves to slower speed as the milk begin to flow. Much much quieter than the Mini-E. Has SoftFit breastshields (I swear by this...not too hard on the breasts) for massaging comfort. Uses 4 AA batteries for on the go.

Medela Swing. Bought at First Few Years, The Curve for RM669.

Pureen Manual Breastpump

I bought this because I left my pumping bag at home when I balek kampung for Hari Raya last year. Huhu. Eventhough I had Aqil with me, I still had bengkak susu because Aqil didn't drink much. Had to buy a pump jugak..didn't succeed much with expressing it by hand. 

Pureen Manual Breastpump. Bought at JJ Bandaran Melaka for about RM50.

My first time using a manual pump. I had trouble with it. Tangan jadi lenguh. Just used it twice kot. It took like 30mins to get about 3-4oz. Whereas if I use the Swing, I can get 15oz. The breastshield is plastic, keras. I thought that it would be silent, but it still makes a squishy noise when I pump. But I guess this pump will help tone your arms kot, die punye concept same macam hand exersice thingamajig macam kat bawah ni :p

 

Medela Freestyle

This one here is on my wishlist bile ada rezeki for adik Aqil nanti.

Medela Freestyle. Costs from around RM1500. There are good deals if you buy online..have to survey. In stores, the cheapest I've come across is at First Few Years, The Curve for RM1699.

It's wonderful features include:

• Daily use · double pump · electric (double pump so it will cut in half your pumping time)
• True pumping mobility with hands-free option. (I think this is one of the most convenient features in a pump..imagine, you can do a whole lot because its hands-free)
• Rechargeable battery and ultra-lightweight motor. Optional 12V vehicle lighter adapter available. (No need for AA batteries anymore, die ade rechargeable batteries mcm camera punye tu)
• Easy interaction with digital display, memory, timer and backlight.
• More milk in less time with 2-Phase Expression® technology when pumping at Maximum Comfort Vacuum™.
• Everything mom needs in a convenient bag - perfect for active moms.
• Use hands-free with most top-flap nursing bras including Medela nursing bras and camisoles.
• Double pumping kit features SoftFit™ breastshields for massaging comfort.

**drools**

Ahh..someday Inshaallah~ Hehe.

There are also many other models of breastpumps in the market, Avent, Spectra and whatnot. I haven't tried Avent's breastpump so I'm a bit biased with Medela and from what I read I think Medela is the best :p Prior to buying a breastpump I guess you should need to do some research first and see which one will suits you the most. Here are some tips on buying a breastpump:

1. Choose a breastpump that best suit your needs. If you're a stay at home mom, chances are you don't need a high-end electric pump because your baby will be with you most of the time. Instead you may want to opt for a manual pump which is cheaper in price.
2. Read up reviews and do your research on the internet on the breastpumps that are in the market and that you intend to buy. Ask around friends that has been using that particular pump that you are eying on.
3. Ask many questions about the breastpump before purchase. Get the sales assistant to show you how to operate the pump (hear for any noises..whether its loud or not :p). Ask whether the pump has a warranty or not. Sometimes, the motor can have some problems after a while and its good to know that there is a warranty handy.
4. And lastly, buy within your means and don't splurge.

Happy pumping ladies~

Pumping Working Mom

Breastfeeding for a working mom could be a bit distracting and time consuming. For me, I had to pump 3 times a day. Had to wake up extra early to pump once before going to work. Then once again at work and then another one before going in for bed. It takes about 30-45mins for a pumping session. At work, I usually pump after lunch, around 2.30pm and then solat. I would be like MIA for about an hour or so. Huhu. Around 3.30pm I pon muncul balek kat office. Buat-buat keje sket and then opppss..dah nak kene balek dah. That was my routine until Aqil was about 10months. Now I only pump like once (rarely twice) a day and the pumping sessions are like short..only 15mins or so.

Back then, I can get like 12oz of milk per pumping session, 3 times a day. That means around 36oz of milk per day. Aqil only needed 10-12oz of milk for nursery. You can imagine la I had excess. My freezer was full..all the storage bottles were used up. I had plenty of milk. But now, I really have to struggle to even get 10oz per day. And now since Aqil's a bit bigger he needs about 14oz at nursery. Haiihhh.

Since I sit at a cubicle and not have my own room, I had to go pump at a small room inside the kilang's clinic. It's a small room, meant for nursing mothers. Has a chair, power supply and a mini fridge to keep BM. Good thing its a mother-friendly-workplace. Usually I do a bit of reading while pumping...one time, I even had a gossip session with Nad in here while I pump. Hehe.

Fridge yang buruk tetapi banyak berjase :p

I mentioned in my previous post that I had the Medela Mini-E. For me it was an okay pump la except for the sound. It sounded like a motorboat or even a lawn mower. Man..that pump was noisy and I mean very very noisy. Before going back to work from my maternity leave, I decided to buy another pump. After a few surveys, I bought the Medela Swing. Wanted the Medela Freestyle but it costs far too much (RM1600+) for a breastpump. T_T  Let's see la..if ada rezeki beli for the next round plak..hehe.

My Medela Swing yang banyak berjasa~

So before going to work, I have to pack:

1. pump
2. extra bottles (around 4 or 5 4oz bottles)
3. marker and masking tape (to label the bottles)
4. power cord
5. chargeable batteries (just in case need to use it somewhere without power supply)
6. cooler bag

I put them all in my 'Pump Bag'. So I bawak my laptop bag and my Pump Bag. Dah tak bawak my handbag dah since I selalu kena tegur dengan pakcik-pakcik tanya why I bawak banyak sangat bag, nak balek kampung ke..lalala. Biar jela kan nak bawak berapa banyak bag pon. Diorang guys tak payah bawak bag pon if tak bawak laptop home. Senang je. Huhu.

I had all kinds of challenges while breastfeeding. But I keep on at it for the sake of the baby. Only NOW i know why syurga di bawah tapak kaki ibu. Its not like kita tak tahu how much our mothers have done for us..how much they sacrificed to take care of us..but you really wont know unless you have the first hand experience. Trust me. Thank you Mama for all that you've done~

The Breastfeeding Challenge

I came across a few hurdles and challenges along the way while breastfeeding. The first day I had Aqil, I tried my first attempt to BF. Being a first time mom and all, unfortunately it wasn't a success. I didn't get Aqil to latch on properly. The nurses had to teach and guide me a few times. I read brochures and stuff on breastfeeding but theory and practical is way way different. Aqil only got a little bit of milk for like maybe a few seconds and then dah tak dapat dah. And then had to call the nurse to show how to BF properly, once die tunjuk and Aqil dpt minum she left and then when I moved sikit ke terlari alignment sket...susah nk masuk balek and continue. Haiihhh. Those first few days were challenging and I was a bit depressed since tak pandai nak BF. The nurses told me to hand express or pump milk and then give it to the baby in a tiny cup (to avoid nipple confusion).

I took about nearly 2 weeks to get the hang of breastfeeding. I was so grateful when I finally got the hang of it. Two weeks to get the hang of it but about 2 months to really master all the tricks and techniques. To master all the positions, it took about 6  months kot. Huhu. But Alhamdulillah, I managed to overcome that hurdle. I thought Aqil didn't know how to suck or latch on properly padahal it was me who got the angles all wrong. Haiihh. This obstacle passed, hopefully I won't have any problems with anak-anak yang seterusnya.

Back then, I also didn't know that your breasts could get engorged. And when it does...MY GOD it hurts!! To think back, I was so naive. I didn't know that if you don't empty your milk about the same rate as when you produce, the milk ducts can get clogged and the breasts will get engorged. I thought die macam paip...when baby minum, die turn on, when baby tak minum die turn off la. I didn't know that you cant control the kepala paip tu. Huhu. And I was one of the fortunate mothers who had plenty of milk supply. I just couldn't get it out as fast as I had it in because of my  BF techniques and latching problem above. Imagine my surprise, when the first night tu I saket because of bengkak susu. I asked my mom in despair, why didn't she ever mention about this. before...about that it could get engorged and stuff, she looked at me with muke yang kesiankan anak die and thought that I already knew about this beforehand. I didn't know how I could miss this part out and not forsee it coming. I never came across it in books I was reading or even websites (maybe I was scimping through?) Bad days I tell you. I would never want to wish it upon anyone else. Sakettt~

Had to go to the hospital's nursery and had a nurse show me how to hand express milk. Lega la sikit. I'm glad that the hospital was breastfeeding friendly. Gained lots of advice from the nurses. Told my mom that I needed a breastpump. I thought I could put off buying it and only need it when I go back to work. But as circumstances shows, I needed it pronto~

Medela Mini Electric Breast Pump

My mom bought me a Medela Mini-E pump that night jugak. Thank you mama. That was my first pump and it helped me a LOT. It was so easy to pump milk and not let it get engorged. The first few days were spent with pumping. Aqil was fed on and off. Had to keep on trying and trying many many many times to breastfeed him for a session. Sangat penat. Aqil dapat minum sekejap..terlepas..and then kene keep on trying and trying lagi sampai dapat balek. Haiihh. If tak dapat jugak just bagi Aqil minum through the cup. Kesian je tengok die tak dapat nak breastfeed fully. Huhu.

I felt like a terrible mom. Breastfeeding should come naturally to all moms kan patutnye? Kata dah jadi emak...patut pandaila. Haihh. What more stress from people who kept giving this advice la and that advice and then looking on while I tried to breastfeed. Stress okay~ Maybe because of the added stress, lagila tak boley-boley nak menyusu. Ideally, you should BF in a peaceful state of mind...preferably somewhere quiet without any distractions. Breastfeeding should be a zen-like experience where the mom gets to bond with the baby.

I was wayyy off course with breastfeeding. I thought it would be easy breezy. Everyone made it look like it was sooo easy. People say it comes naturally. Thats why I didn't put much thought on this and assumed that I too would find it a piece of cake. Boy was i W.R.O.N.G. Big time!! I never knew breastfeeding would be THIS challenging. And this is only the tip of the iceberg, there were a few bumps and glitches along the way too but that's for another time..I'll write about it later :p

Got MILK?

Aqil is now 1 year and 1 month old. Alhamdulillah, I got to breastfeed him fully..until recently that is. Unfortunately, my silk supply has been lower than usual. Don't know if whether its because I haven't been pumping constantly or whether its because Aqil memang dah besar and my body knows that its time for Aqil to not depend on my milk. Sedeylaa. I couldn't produce enough milk for my baby dah. Huhu. Now I have a tin of soymilk ready at nursery whenever my BM is not enough.

I thought Aqil would be picky since he has been on BM all this while, but kakak nursery tu kata Aqil okay je minum the soymilk. I was quite anxious jugakla nak bagi die susu apa.  I read yang baby ni sometimes memilih susu, some susu kene, some tak kena dengan baby..so have to pilih betul-betul. I don't want to give him cow's milk so decided on soymilk since dulu my mom pon gave Adah that mase kecik. Bought Isomil yang for 1 year and above. I haven't tried giving him the soymilk myself though :p Let's just keep the soymilk for nursery jela ye Aqil? When with mama you can have mama's milk.

 

Before being pregnant lagi, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed my baby exclusively because I know that mother's milk is the best milk ever. Cewwah. Back then I knew that it can boost the baby's immune system and breastmilk die ikut demand and supply and die punye nutrition tu adapts to your baby's needs as they grow. Basically what I knew macam tu jela :p Since my mom also used to BF all her kids, no wonder that I wanted to do the same kan?

Now, because my milk supply is low..it's like kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang.  Sometimes tu I even needed to squeeze in a pumping session before sending Aqil to nursery just to get enough milk for nursery that day. Because  of this, my boobs are also returning back to normal...and I'm glad. It's not as big and as full as after delivery.  I feel like my boobs are mines now and no longer a vending machine. Sometimes I feel like I'm a bit selfish in this way. Huhu.  But although I feel that tiny inkling of a feeling like maybe its time to let Aqil go, I can't go down without a fight kan? I need to do something to increase my milk supply.  People say drinking a lot of water helps increase your milk supply as you need lots of liquid to produce more liquid (milk). I thought of buying Fenugreek herb supplement also la. It can also help milk supply. Will pop into GNC to cari. Tried finding it at Guardian and Watsons but takde. Hope this will help Inshaallah~

 

I tried going to forums to cari 'when is it time to stop pumping milk to your baby?' but macam takde topic on that. I mean if you still have milk supply, takkan still nak kene pump until your baby is 2 years old eh? Is there a certain age or you just know depending on your milk supply tu when to stop? Hurmm~

My Hubby My BFF

Marriage life sure is tricky. Of course nothing is ever easy peasy lemon squeezy right?.

I've known my husband for almost 3 years now. We've been married for nearly 2. Throughout our marriage he has been my BFF. We've shared soo much together. 

I'm thankful I have him as my husband. Of course there are times when his ways or opinion would drive me crazy...don't get me wrong, he has his quirks and I am not fully 'at peace' with all of them...yet :p But at the end of the day he still is my husband, my BFF and I can't imagine life without him. He calms me when I am mad, he put sense in me when I follow my emotions blindly, he guides me when i feel lost, he lends an ear when I have a bad day, he offers a hug when I need it the most. I guess everyone feels like that about their husbands kan? Heeeee :)

Sometimes I know I can be 'difficult'. Intentionally or unintentionally. I am known to be a bit stubborn sometimes...I like to have my own way. Sometime tu saja mengade-ngade nak perhatian suami. Haha. I'm grateful for having a husband who is patient with all my antics, cares about me,  bears with all my silliness and gedikness, pujuks me when I have an 'episode'. I guess nobody really knows how I really am except those closest to me. It's a miracle when life, jodoh and Allah puts 2 people together, crossed their paths and now sharing a life together. Alhamdulillah for the blessings~

I guess other people will never know how deep the intimacy between husbands and wives are. Only the people in the marriage itself yang tahu. I thought that people close to me would know. I guess one of the downsides of marriage is that you are no longer 2 individuals...you tend to become a unit (of course its not like you are joined at the hip or something). This also doesn't apply to evertyhing..as both are still 2 different person altogether. But for instance, lets say someone buat A, B will also terase and somewhat be affected. You can't expect A to just bear it alone and B not feel a thing (but most of the time only B je will terase, whereas A takde apa-apa pon. Hurmm.). I guess a blow to A feels like blow also to B. I thought people closest would know. But its disappointing and upsetting when they don't understand :(

In marriage, there are the ups and of course there are the downs. Sangat rollercoaster ride. I guess to really survive this is by being grounded and have a strong foundation. For us Muslims, being close to Allah plays a big part in adapting and surviving. Not only just for marriage but it can also be applied in life in general. I am still struggling to adapt..to survive...to live..and to juggle all those in betweens. I try to remember not to get too caught up with the world and its distractions. I try to remind myself that there is something bigger that awaits...something much much more than all of this. Of course, I guess like most people, I tend to remember Allah the most when I'm at my lowest, when I am sad, when I need something, when I need help, when I don't know what to do, when I need refuge. I try to remind myself not to think of Him only when in despair but to try and remember Him everyday everywhere. I hope He remembers me too.

Aqil Rafiq - Post Birth

I didn't get to see my baby in the OT. I only heard him cry. Hilmi said while he was away, he azankan the baby and watched the pediatrician clean the baby and did the Apgar test. By this time I was wheeled back to my room. Hilmi soon came after.I still didn't believe that the surgery happened soo fast. All it took was like 15mins kot. Because I had local anaesthetic, I couldn't move much and was needed to lie down je. Felt a bit groggy too..don't know whether from the anaesthesia or from the morphin which I keep on pressing whenever I feel sakit. Tak larat nak buat apa-apa, so Hilmi made the calls and told our families and friends that mom and baby is safe and sound. Alhamdulillah the hardest part is over. Thank you for everyone's doa and well wishes :)

The morphine-drip-machine thingy.

My parents and Didi came during lunch to check on me and the baby. They are now proud Atuk and Nenek and a MakDee. Around 1pm only did I get to see my baby.

 Hello world~ Welcome to the world Aqil Rafiq Ahmad Zulhilmi :)

You are so peaceful in your sleep.

Awake and ready for the camera :)

Only now do I get to hold you :)

First time granparents...first time mom~

Even when I'm away on maternity leave, I get this view from my window (after zooming in of course) :p

Love you Aqil~ May you grow up to be a good Muslim, a soleh boy with a kind heart, helpful and compassionate to others, wise and intelligent to brave the world as a good khalifah of Allah..inshaAllah~

Aqil Rafiq - Birth Story

I've been posting a lot of posts on Aqil lately. I haven't had the chance to blog since Aqil came along. I just hope that I remembered each moment correctly. Pregnancy, giving birth and motherhood is one of the biggest life-changing experience that one can endure. Once you turn MAK, you'll never turn back..hehe.

Okay..so where did I left off. Hurm..okay. I was scheduled to be induced on Friday morning 14th May 2010 because my baby at that time was not moving as frequently as the doctor would have liked. Throughout the 9months, I was having some sort of trouble determining if my baby just kicked or moved ke apa. I never could do the self-check thingy in the pregnancy record book where you jot down how many times the baby moved in 1 day. Either I memang oblivious and tak perasaan if the baby moves or either my perut tebal sangat (aka I have lemak perut soo thick yang sampai tak rase baby gerak-gerak) or the amniotic fluid in my tummy ni macam banyak sangat. I don't know la why but because of that I rarely feel my baby moving. Of coursela sometimes I would feel him kicking or moving, usually at night when I'm in bed getting ready to sleep but during the day..amatla jarang. I think Aqil was a night owl, only awake and active at night..nocturnal habis la :p Voiced my concerns to the doctor but alhamdulillah after doing the ultrasound and checking and stuff the baby looks healthy.

So anyway, I think nearing 9 months, the baby should have been more active kot..but to avoid any complications, Dr Ariza decided to have me induced 2 weeks early.

So we told the family that I will be warded early Friday morning. Did last minute preparing stuff, repacked the hospital bag, last minute reading and birth exercises, last minute eating and such before kena berpantang. Hohoh. So at around 3 am Friday morning tu, with Hilmi in tow, I checked in to Ampang Puteri. Checked in ke? Admitted myself? Anyway..I registered at the Emergency Unit with the doctor's letter for admission yang die dah bagi since week 36 if not mistaken in case things happened sooner than expected.

Was put in an 8 person room because the single rooms were fully occupied. I thought since I was scheduled to be warded that morning, I expected that they had a room ready or the single rooms would be available since I stated that I wanted a single room earlier that Monday. I don't know la..maybe I should have confirmed before coming ke apa or memang the room arrangements macam tu based on a first come first serve basis..I didn't know. It was my first time being admitted into hospital. After deliver baru dapat yang single room punye. I wasn't happy because yang for the 8-bed room ni, you can't have your husband to teman you. I mean can you imagine? Sorang-sorang not knowing what to expect. Huhuuu T_T

Anyway, after I was shown to my room (Hilmi was still with me, but couldn't stay for long), the nurses did their thing..check up and stuff and induced me. The inducing part was not pretty. I assumed they would give me a shot or I would have to have to telan a pill or something but boy was I wrong. So after I was induced, the contractions started. And my-oh-my was I in for a treat!! Between a c-section and a contraction, contractions are the most painful. T_T

How to describe the feeling of a contraction eh? Hurmm. The feeling..it was intense, painful. It feels like your insides are trying to scrunch up into this teeny weeny ball. Its like your perut  tu..dalam dia is like a sponge and someone is squeezing with all their might with their fist, letting it go, then squeezing again. At the same time, your insides macam mencucuk-cucuk. It was sakit..I guess macam menstrual cramps but times that by a thousand gazillion kot. All I wanted to do was bring up my knees and baring in a curl up position. 

Because all this time I was connected to a CTG machine to check the baby's heartbeat, I moved and wriggled quite a lot in bed to tahan the sakit (at this time I was alone, Hilmi went back home to rest and after Subuh he'll come back). And because of that, i think the CTG readings wasn't as 'pretty' as the nurses would liked it to be. I think me wriggling and struggling in bed made the readings lari-lari because the thingy connected to the CTG pon kinda lari-lari from my tummy. Had to redo taking the baby's readings a few times la jugak. My bad I wriggled and moved so much. Huhu.

In the morning, around 9am macam tu, Dr Ariza came and did her rounds. I was only about 2-3cm's dilated. She said the baby's heartbeat was staggered and not so strong so she suggested to do an emergency c-sect in fear of the baby's safety. Dalam hati, I was a bit disappointed because I wanted to deliver normally. I was also disappointed at myself for moving and wriggling so much during the CTG. If only I hadn't move as much maybe the readings would be better and I wouldn't have to go for a c-sect. But at the same time, the doctor had a point. I guess she knows waaaayyy better than I do and I wouldn't want anything bad happen to my baby. So c-sect it is~

A while later around 9.45am macam tu, the nurses came and  to take me to the OT.  I was asked to lie down on the bed while they wheeled me. Eeeekkk..takuuutt~ At this time I started to recite doa's and anything to keep my jitters down. Hilmi also get to tag along to the OT and watch and take pictures. (Hilmi isn't the snapping-pictures kinda guy so I didn't get any pictures pon in the OT. Huhu. Next time, I should just ask him to take a video of the whole process instead. I wanted to watch and see how it goes.)

So when we reached the OT, Hilmi was off somewhere getting scrubbed in. The OT was brightly lit and all I can remember was WOW putihnya~ If you watch Greys Anatomy kan the OT macam gelap and dark and they have like a spotlight on the patient. But here, the room was brightly lit and had 'Hellllooooo Good Morning~' chirpy kinda feel to it. Maybe because they had the radio on to what station entah..hot.fm kot..I wasn't paying that much attention.

After a while, I was aksed to sit up on the operating table and then the anaesthetist came and cucuk my tulang belakang. I had spinal anaesthetic. After that I lied down, and then the nurses kot strapped down both my hands. Dr Ariza and Hilmi then came in. It all happened so quickly. I didn't feel a thing pon. With a Bismillah, Dr Ariza did an incision (I of course didn't feel a thing...I wouldn't have known that she already started if  not for the Bismillah :p). Seconds after that, another person came and tekan-tekan my perut to get the baby out (yang ni orang ni buat macam ganas sikit..rase macam tumbuk perut je...that one I feel) and seconds later..I heard the baby crying. Alhamdulillah. Dr Ariza said Assalamualaikum to the baby and welcomed him into the world.. No words could describe how I felt at that time laying there motionless. Hilmi said he had to go somewhere with the baby. I heard the baby being taken away and crying in the distance. Dr Ariza said that she wanted to sew the cut. While she did her stuff, I lay there, still not believing everything in spite what happened. Everything happened sooo fast. This was all surreal.  Alhamdulillah, on that day, Friday the 14th, May 2010 at exactly 10.13am, my baby was born and I've finally became a mom :)

Aqil Rafiq - The Pregnancy Part II

Continued from last post...

2-3 months

I was feeling quite normal. Have to eat at the right time and not skip meals. I was eating in between meals quite a lot too. My appetite was back to normal or maybe slightly higher. I would go down to the cafe for tea and buy kuihs or/and ice cream or/and fruits. Heheh. Nasib baik cafe kat bawah and kerja kilang so ade banyak shift breaks..I think I turun for all shift breaks kot :p Didn't really spread the news except to close friends and family. I was still in the early stages of pregnancy and didn't want to jinx it.

Morning sickness started to kick in. But for me it wasn't in the mornings. It was in the evenings after I came back from work. Tak sempat nak sampai rumah from work, I was a regular visitor of JJ AU2's toilet since that was the only clean and respectable toilet that I would allow myself to throw up in. Since dulu I have this 'perut masuk angin' complications. Sometimes I didn't know I threw up because of perut masuk angin or because of my pregnancy.

4 months

Went for my first Ante-natal Checkup. Surveyed a few hospitals for my delivery nanti. Considered An-Nur or Az-Zahrah Bangi because I like the Islamic environment...they pasang zikir or bacaan al-Quran while at the labour room. Last time I checked, it costs around RM2200 - 2400. But since I live in Wangsa Maju and work in Ulu Kelang, I decided to go for hospitals nearby takut apa-apa. Looked up Ampang Puteri Specialist Hospital and their delivery packages aren't bad la..around RM2700 for normal delivery. Masa ni we just harap-harap tak kene c-sect, tak tau berape..lari budget nanti :p Supposedly every pregnant mothers need to register their pregnancy at Klinik Kesihatan kerajaan and do at least 1 checkup there but I didn't and did the first ante natal with Dr Ariza of Ampang Puteri. She reminded me of my mom, was quite comfortable with her being my O&G doctor. Was given iron, folic acid and calcium supplements for the mom and baby.

5 months

Got to know the baby's gender after doing the ultra sound. Alhamdulillah it's a BOY~ I've always wanted my first born to be a boy..yeayyy :)

Picture of his legs and in-betweens..from angle bawah.

His head sama besar with his body :p

Cravings: Laksa kedah. The best would be Laksa Kedah at Sekyen 4 Tambahan Bangi. Sanggup tu pegi cari. Yums~ Weird craving lain takde..thank God :p Walking long distances..even to the carpark from my office was becoming a hassle and very tiring..but was needed as a daily form of exercise.

My feet started swelling and bloating due to water retention. I was getting restless at night as finding the right position to sleep was a hassle. Sakit belakang also started to kick in. Weight wise, masa ni dah start to be directly proportional to the months. Haiih. Masa first 2 months tu je kot macam ada turun sikit because tak lalu sangat nak makan.

6 months

This is where the 'fun' starts. Heheh. Because I was carrying a boy, and because it was my first pregnancy, the male fetal DNA could act as a skin irritant to the mom. Kiranya DNA baby boy is somewhat incompatible with DNA perempuan mak die. This usually affects the mom if its a first pregnancy and the baby is a boy. I guess I'm the lucky 1% yang gets affected with this. Huhu. So what I got was skin irritations..and rashes...plus the weather was really hot at that time. Had to pasang air-cond kat rumah just because of that. Some say it was 'pembawaan budak'. Anyway..because of that I asked the doctor if I could work from home as going out and getting ready for work was becoming quite uncomfortable for me. Duduk rumah senang..I can wear the most comfiest PJ's and tshirt. Fortunately, my bosses were very understanding and allowed me to work from home till I deliver. Luckily, doing programming doesn't need you to come to the office to get the work done :p

Did a 3D scan around this time.

The pictures were a bit 'alien-ish'. Tapi Subhanallah..even dalam perut, kita dah boleh tengok baby..how he looks like. Can't wait to see the baby.

7 months

My 'evening sickness' gradually stopped. I would only throw up if I didn't watch what I was eating and biar my perut masuk angin.

Started buying and getting things ready for the baby. Shopping for baby stuff was what I like most :) Re-read the baby books to make sure that I will be well prepared. Agak takutla to go into labour. Huhu.

8 months

Counting the days bila la nak keluar baby ni. Tak sabar rasenye. Tak sabar to see my little bundle of joy. Tak sabar nak keluarkan baby yg besar and berat ini from my tummy. My perut started to keras and expand rase macam boleh meletup anytime. Started to feel the braxton hicks contraction at about this time.

Went out for the last time for Mother's Day dinner on 9th May 2010. Had dinner at Sg. Buloh with Hilmi's family and then later to Tarbush with mine's. It was a busy weekend. That Monday, had ante-natal checkup ..doctor did a CTG to check the baby's heartbeat. It was normal but when the doctor asked if the baby moved a lot..i said no. From what I noticed, my baby kurang sikit gerak-gerak dalam perut. People say die banyak tido je like mom die. But the doctor didn't want to take any chances, so she decided to have me induced that Friday and go into labour to avoid any complications. I will be in my 38 weeks..time to get that baby out~ Eeeek~

I will continue on the next post for the birth story...sekian :p

Aqil Rafiq - The Pregnancy Part I

It's been about approximately 1 year and 2 weeks since I became a mom. It has been an overwhelming experience..full of ups and downs. Thankfully I have my hubby, family and friends by my side each step of the way. Thank u all~ I couldn't have done it without everyone:) After about 1 year baru I can breath sikit and seem to get hold of things...or so I thought la :p

Since I have been 'preoccupied' before this, I haven't shared the birth story of Aqil Rafiq yet. Maybe I need to write some intro on my pregnancy first before going into the birth story. I might as well jot it down here for future references..for myself or for anyone of you readers who are reading :p Plus..people have been asking the million dollar question.."Bile Aqil nak dapat adik?"

So here goes..right from the start...(its going to be a long one..layankan aje my mood nak tulis ok :p)..

I had a fairly ok..somewhat regular pregnancy experience...Alhamdulillah. Mom and baby was healthy and I was just counting down the months till my expected due date (EDD) 28th of May 2010.

1st month

I expected something was up as I was easily tired. I get back from work..did Maghrib prayer and while waiting for dinner I was already fast asleep. My work schedule remained the same and yet I was too tired to even have dinner and would be sound asleep by 7.30pm. I thought I was not feeling well and would just bertahan for a while. This happened for about a week. The idea that I might be pregnant did came popping up in my head. Uh-oh. We talked about this a few times but there was never a conclusion about how we would take things. Questions would always be left hanging as we thought we would still have time to think this through.Well..I guess not. Anyway..I decided to buy a self pregnancy test while we were at Midvalley waiting to watch a movie. Bought it at Guardian and I felt all grown up while browsing through the pregnancy kits to find out which one is the most reliable while reading the instruction on the back of the box on how to use etc. First time experience katakan. Haha.

I chose this one...the Dip 'N' Tell Midstream Pregnancy Test. Didn't know that pregnancy tests ada banyak jenis and cost this much...ingatkan murah je :p Chose the not-so-cheap and not-so-expensive one costs around RM20 kot..ada yang lagi mahal..even yang digital pon ada. But I will just pee on it anyway..buat apa mahal-mahal..if it turns out negative lagi la membazir.

All throughout the movie tu I coudn't wait to get home and do the test. Unfortunately, we got home late at night and only the next morning before work was I able to do the test...aaaaannndddd...it turns out.....

Double line....all at once a mixed of feelings came rushing in...unprepared...scared...excited...happy...tak percaye..but all in all...Alhamdulillah~ I'm going to be a mom..yeayyy~ :)

Went to the clinic later to confirm it and I was about 3-4 weeks pregnant. Still early. From what I remembered during the 1st month tu..my appetite was low (tak penah-penahnyee :p).

I guess I'll continue later. I have up to 9 months to keep on rambling about :p

Aqil Rafiq turns 1 :)

A year ago...Aqil Rafiq Ahmad Zulhilmi was born. Happy Birthday Aqil~ :)

Time flies ever sooo fast. I rarely have the time to blog but for this special occasion, this entry is for you Aqil~

Mama loves you~
x0x0