Saturday, January 9, 2016

Of a New Year - 2016

We're in the first month of 2016 now.

2015 has been a testing year.
An eventful year.
A year of heartache...of loss...and of healing.
A year I lost my dear husband.
A year that I will never forget.

I never in my wildest mind imagined that 2015 was going to be that 'eventful'. 
How would I have ever known...

Early 2015, I thought that 2015 would have been just like any other year.
A year for us to our careers...financially..spiritually and strengthening the bond that we have of our little will be just like any other year..
A year to add a little one perhaps...(that was Hilmi's idea but I didn't think that we were ready yet).
But now, how I wished I had another mini Hilmi to remind him by. The more the merrier.
But indeed Allah knows best.

Earlier in the days were rolling by...weeks passed by...month after month passed by and lo and behold we were already in the fourth month of 2015. How time quickly flies.

I can still remember that day fresh in my mind.
I try to recall that week before the accident.
It was just a normal week.
Nothing fascinating much.
The week passed by as normal and then it was Friday.
'The' day.
On that fateful life turned 360 degrees around.
All those close to me...our lives turned upside down.
Never would I have imagined that things could have changed soo much soo soon.
With Allah's pillar of strength left me forever from this dunya.
My sayang left us all forever to go on to the next phase of life...the after-life.

The following days really was a blur.
I was busy in the hospital as Aqil was still injured and warded.
I didn't how I managed to get through it all and the days after that.
As so was the following weeks...following months.
Alhamdulillah, with Allah's mercy..the support from my family and friends I managed to pull through.

I had 4 months and 10 days to observe the iddah, a period to reflect and mourn for my husband while at the same time try to carry on with life.
After about nearly 2 months on leave since the accident, I had to go back to work. Going back to work in a way helped me to focus on other things and not dwell on what happened.
However, it was bittersweet coming back to the office..the parking lot...our lunch spot...seeing the places that we always went together...once together now alone.

But during that time...despite what happened..I still had a lot to be grateful for.  
Alhamdulillah the kids recovered fast and even now they are still recovering.
Alhamdulillah I have them to look forward to everytime I come back from a long and tiring day at work.
Alhamdulillah I have my family and the support that I needed to get through the difficult times.
Alhamdulillah that the kids have all the love that they can get from family and friends.
Hopefully they will still grow up with lots of love surrounding shaa Allah.

I guess I will never know why Allah took Hilmi away from me at that particular time in my life.
But I guess he was never mine's in the first place. He was just borrowed to me by The Most Merciful.
We are all created by Allah and to Him we shall return.
My husband is now where he truly belonged - by his Creator.

I guess all this happened for a reason.
It is Allah's will and indeed He is the best of planners.
It maybe a blessing in disguise. I believe it was..well in a way.
Reflecting back how I was back then, maybe it was a way to help me wake up, open my eyes and also my heart.
To wake up and see what is most important in life.
To realize why we are here.
To realize why we are created.
To ask ourselves our real goal in life and of our final destination.
It maybe something that I've been missing or neglecting all this while.
I know all this..I guess we all know all this but to have something like this happen to you it really left a big impact on me.
It surely is a big reminder. A  HUGE reminder. A BIG-FAT-in-your-face reminder.
A reminder to question set and align back my priorities that may have been deviated from the ultimate path due to other things in this dunya.
Thank you Allah.
Thank you Allah for choosing me.
Thank you Allah for loving me.
Thank you Allah for blessing me with this reminder.
To set me back on the right track.
To really realize that this dunya is only temporary.
To realize that Death knows no age or time..and that it can come to anyone at any time when Allah wills it.

People say that I'm strong to go through all this at a young age.
I don't think I'm strong. I'm still me. Imperfect me...full of flaws..full of insecurities.
I don't know how I should react in this kind of situation.
So I just go by the flow. One step at a time.
Alhamdulillah with Allah's mercy I accept what happened with an open heart.
I am redha with His plans.
I am not totally okay though.
I still have the bad days.
The days when I wished for Hilmi to be beside me.
To see his smile, to hear his comforting have one of his warm hugs.
To just have someone to talk share something share one of our inside jokes.
I miss his company. His warmth. His love.
Of course I miss my dear Hilmi :(

I have faith in Allah that His plans are for the best.
He has His reason's for planning this, the way He intended it to be.
I do not know why and I will never understand why but I shall always have trust in Him.
"...Allah knows, while you know not" {Al-Baqarah 2:216}

2015 has already left us.
That year has left...but the memories from that year will forever remain.
The good ones and also the bad ones.
I believe this test will help me be a better person than I once was ( sha aAllah) and help mold me for the better.
2016 for me..hopefully will be a year for me to find find be surround myself with loved appreciate my parents give back and to strive so that I could be reunited with my dearest Hilmi in shaa Allah.

Happy New Year people.

Nurulhusna Md Jan

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Of moments~

I'm feeling 'nostalgic' today. 2 more days until we reach the 6 month mark. Time flies ever so fast. Yesterday also marked the new Hijri year..1437H. You went away in 1436H.
Had my first teppanyaki today..without you. It used to be our thing. I've never ate teppanyakki without you. Something so trivial but such a big meaning behind it.

Passed a store and glanced at the mannequin in front with the nice shirt. I thought of you and how you would look smart with that shirt. I miss shopping for you. Buying you clothes...buying you things and get to see you wear them. I miss those moments. My heart is aching badly missing you.

Father & son moment. March 2014 - MFM Sunway Pyramid. Loved the way how Aqil's arm is touching his dad's.

I know that there is nothing that I can do. It is all Allah's will. I accept that. Redha. I accept that you are no longer here with us. But at the same time...the heart just misses..badly. The pain of missing someone dearly..someone close to with them for every single day. You were my rock. I miss you. I love you.

It's hard not to think of you when you have been such a big part of my life. I still feel your 'presence' everywhere even though you are still not here.

I do hope that you are doing well over there. My mind can't comprehend how it is in the other world. I guess my time will eventually come for me to know. But in the mean time. my prayers are with you. I hope it goes through. I hope it carries enough weight.

I'm also struggling to work on my relationship with al-Khaliq. Sometimes I too slip away. It used to be much easier in the earlier months. Now..I feel that I have to really battle out the feeling you know. Struggling to keep awake and finding the time to read the Quran, waking up early for solahs...even going for Class Agama dah rasa macam malas-malas. I hope I can strive through. For me, for you, for the kids, for my family...for the sake of Allah. Ya Allah...please help me in my affairs in the be closer to You and to please You.

I am still hurting inside. Kerinduan itu yang hurts the most. You were so good to me and I took all of it for granted. "Which then of the bounties of your lord will you deny? (Ar-Rahman 55:13)" Ya Allah..please forgive me...please forgive us..please have Mercy on us. Please help me through this.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Bidadari Sayang

Bidadari sayang.

His first term of endearment for me.
I miss you calling me that.

There were favourite was "baby girl" but "bidadari sayang" has a special place in my heart because it was the first one.

Bidadari sayang.
You used to use it profoundly during our early years of marriage.
You used to use it extensively when texting...punya lah panjang nak type. Hehe.
Later in the years, not so much..but I don't mind.
That term of endearment brings an uncomfortable feeling inside me.
A part of me don't like that the term but a part of me macam terharu that you acknowledged me highly as such. Konfiusss..haha.
But now, how I wish to hear you calling me that once more.

I always felt that the term was so mushy.."jiwang".
I don't feel like a bidadari at all.
But you kept using I just layankan jela.
I don't know what to call you last-last entah mcm mana it got stuck to calling you "sayang". Ok. Acceptable for me.
Nak cakap/panggil "sayang" pon I rasa mushy...yela..kan konon rock chick dulu..hahah.
But i called you "Sayang" once in a while..not everytime. It got stuck until the last day I was with you. Whenever I need comfort or nak meluahkan perasaan or bermanja-manja or nak ask for something I'll call you "sayang".
But I never referred myself as "Bidadari sayang".
I tak tau kenapa. Never felt comfortable claiming that title kot.

You were indeed my "sayang".
My love.
Love you dearly Sayang.

I hope later that I can be your bidadari in jannah. InshaaAllah. If Allah wills it.
I pray everytime so that we can meet again. Aamin.

Missing you dearly sayang.
So confused of the decisions that I have to make alone right now.
I know I am not a good decision maker.
Always so fickle minded.
I always asked your opinion on any big decisions that I have to make.
I like talking things through with you so that I can make a better decision.
Thats how my thought process goes.
Sometimes I'll ask you and most of the time I'll disregard your opinion.
"Baik you tak payah tanya I kalau macam dah tau apa you nak" you always said jokingly.
Hehe. Sorry sayang. But I need reassurance from you.
You were always so grounded.
You were my rock.
If I made any bad decisions...I'll know you'll always have my back.
But I don't have my rock with me anymore :(
No one that makes me feel that way anymore.

But I always ingat kata-kata you "Always take responsibility for your actions."
You dah decide if anything happens kena own up and take responsibility.
If all doesn't work out find a way to fix it.

Huhu. I miss you.
You were ever so confident.
So sure of yourself.
Always know what you wanted.
I wish I was more like you.

Miss you sayang.
Forever and always.

Your bidadari.
Bidadari sayang.

Pic from Aug/Sept 2009. About a month being a Mr&Mrs.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Of struggles and of family~

Its been a while. There have been the good days and then there's the bad days. InshaaAllah with His mercy He will guide me through it. I've been following or going through FB pages/instagram/tumblr of inspiring Islamic quotes daily in the hopes of finding something to sooth my pain. There are some that really touched my heart and the message really does come across. Like it was meant for me or that I can really relate to. Sometimes I share them on FB in the hopes that someone reading them will get the same affect on me. I'm not one to share things/posts on FB but once you go through something like dont just hope people will find solace from it and will feel better about themselves. Sharing is caring right. May we all benefit from it all.

With all that has happened..I think I am changing bit by bit. If not by a whole lot..but maybe a little bit. I try to observe more of my relationship towards Allah which wasn't as strong as I would have liked it before. People say that everything that happens is a blessing in disguise. InshaaAllah with this chapter in my life..I hope that it will bring me closer to Allah. It would have been sweeter if H was there along the way. But who am I to question His plan for I am just a teeny weeny weakling. I really hope that I am able to change for the better and that He will help me get through the bad days. Sometimes I just feel lonely but I know I shouldn't feel like that because I have my family to be thankful for, the kids and I have Him to confide into. But sometimes the heart just 'misses'.. Thank you Allah for the love that you have blessed upon us. Thank you for letting me taste the sweetness of love from Hilmi.

Being around family helps. Being around your family helps too, H. Sometimes it feels like you, Mama and Abah are just with us when we spend time or get together..just like old times. I miss that a lot. Being with them always reminded me of you and its a good thing. I like it when things/people reminded me of you :) Eventhough my eyes might tear up a bit I'm thankful to still be reminded of the memories and how people/things were connected to you.

Birthday Dalila (March 2015)

Sometimes I feel that I can get through it all but at times I'm not. Its ever changing. Penat. Emotionally tiring. Huhu. I was all positive starting this post but now my eyes are watery typing about all this. Huhu.

I just hope you are doing well over there H. I pray for your well being whenever I can. I would gladly sacrifice not having you by my side in the hopes of you getting His mercy over there. Wait for me H. InshaaAllah we will meet again. Would love to see you smile, your laughter and everything about you. Missing you dearly.

The sheikh from our recent tafseer class shared.."Believe in Him, rely on Him...tawakkal to Allah". Betul-betul kena at the right time I needed to hear it. InshaaAllah. Please make my heart still my heart..stay not quiver...Allah is here.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Of Adapting~

This Ramadhan has been a testing month. Not because of the fasting or the traffic or anything like that. But its the feeling I get during this month. I don't know why. I feel more emotional. I reminisce a lot during this month. The things that I took for granted. You. Even the simple things in life.

Before I was married, I consider myself to be an independent person. Being the eldest and all, I'd like to think myself as independent. Back then I drove myself everywhere usually alone. I didn't seem to think that it was troublesome back then. After being married, you were the one that drove me everywhere. You were my personal driver. My chauffeur. My suami. Our office merely 5 minutes away saw us going to and back from work together. I got used to you driving me around and me being the Ma'am Besar. I guess I took that for granted. I know I took that for granted eventhough at times I relay my appreciation towards you driving me around. We used to joke around and say "Bertuah I ada suami/isteri macam you. Alhamdulillah~" whenever we want to voice out our thanks/appreciation for the other.

Yesterday, I was craving for Puteri's tauhu kuah kacang and kuih lopes. Thought I would drop by after work. But knowing TTDI during Ramadhan and bazaar nya lagi..parking was a nightmare. I didn't manage to get my tauhu. I used to remember last year or at times like these when parking was difficult you would just drop me off, then you would circle around looking for a parking/standing spot and then once I'm done you would fetch me. At that time I took all of this for granted. I never thought much of it. Until now :( Wish you were here.

Last year during Ramadhan, you would fetch me at my office at 4.30pm. Then we would go to TTDI's bazaar, fetch the kids and go back home. Now, everyday I pass by that bazaar..see the throngs of people and reminisced on what once was. Huhu. Bukannya I miss the bazaar but the time that I get to spend with you going to the bazaar. It was a fun occasion. Missing you dearly H.

Then there's living with my family. I love them dearly but since being married with you I was treated like a princess and I never even knew it. You put me/my needs above yours. Back then I never thought much about it. I thought.."ooh..suami memang kena buat mcmtu kot." But now I know how much you loved me. How much you loved us. Thank you sayang for being the best husband and abah to the kids. I'm so grateful to have had a husband like you and to get to feel the love from you. There are some less unfortunate that do not get to feel this kind of love. May Allah shower them with His love. 

You loved me without judgement. Eventhough you judge, I tak terasa sangat because I knew that was just you teasing. Like the other day, I'm a picky family knows know that..most people close knows that. But my family - God bless them, I know they have good intentions and all..but they judge me and say something like 'You ni..boleh ke jangan choose makanan? Belajar lah makan itu lalala." Its actually a normal thing and I know its for my own good but I dunno why I terasa at that time. Call it PMS. Duh! Back then, whenever, I get that line I would just ignore it and take it in like a pinch of salt. It didn't matter what they say because I know I always had you. If I say the same thing to you, you would never judge. You would just layan me and accept me for who I am. Picky eater or not. You would love me for who I am and did not try to change me. Eventhough it was not always the case..but usually the other way round. I always wanted to try and change some part of you..hihihi. But that's another story altogether.

Sometimes, it's just really sad. I no longer have someone to have my back. Whom I can always be honest 100% to. Whom I can always be myself 100% to. I miss you. I miss the way how you treat me. I miss the way how you make me feel. I miss all of you. Your body..your heart..your soul.

Ya Allah..please make me strong to go through this test of yours. Make me come out a better person through it all. Guide me to the right way. Ya Allah..please bless us all and grant us your mercy. 

Thank you Allah for lending H to us all this time. 

Al-fatihah to Allahyarham Ahmad Zulhilmi Assanah (Nov 1984 - April 2015)
Love you till Jannah~

I know its cliche, but now I truly get the meaning of 'love you till Jannah'. May you be at peace over there H. May we meet again...see you soon..inshaaAllah.

Night and day, I still feel you are close to me
And I remember you in every prayer that I make
Every single day may you be shaded by His mercy
But life is not the same, and it will never be the same
But I'm so thankful for every moment I shared with you
Cause I know this life is not forever