It's been a while since I haven't written here. I don't know what this blog's purpose is anymore. It's becoming a place where once in a while I vent out when my inner-writer-persona takes over. Haha. Sometimes it's just refreshing to read back the entries and know what I went through during a certain period of time.
As for updates, Alhamdulillah, I am now pregnant with baby number 2. It wasn't an expected pregnancy as I've done the necessary precautions needed for family planning. Always a fan for big families, my ultimate plan was to have 6 children. That number came down to a 4 after I had to go for c-sect with baby number 1 (and after realizing that it is wayy HARD to raise up a child..oohh the responsibilities. And I don't mean the physical stuff..diaper changing..long nights and stuff..its the character building of a child that I'm worried about. I'm not sure that I can raise up 1 child well, let alone 6!). My plan was to start trying for baby number two after Aqil turned 2. But Allah knows best. I had mixed emotions when I took the self pregnancy test at home and it came out positive. Took it in the morning and woke up hubby instantly. He was overjoyed of course. But it took me a while to adjust to the news. I was overwhelmed. Of course I was happy. Another baby..yeayyy~ Sooo cuuteee..sooo tiny. But feelings of insecurities also passed over me. "This is not the best time to have another baby." "I am sooo not ready." "Aqil is still little..still a baby." "We are not financially ready." All of this went through my head. Of course being the worrywart and overthinker that I am, when I voiced out my thoughts to dear hubby he just shrugged it all away saying that "InshaAllah we can work through this. This is a blessing from Allah. We should embrace it." It's a bit comforting to know that you have a partner who always think positively, but at the same time it irks me. How can he be sooo cool over this? Has he even considered all the factors and variables needed? Haiihh.
It took some time for me to adjust to it. It also took some while for me to break the news to the family. I was worried what people would say. Worry what 'lectures' I would get. But Alhamdulillah, they have been supportive all the way. But I learnt, only you yourself can change your attitude towards something. If you see it in a positive manner, then a positive outcome it may be and vice versa. If I remember anything clearly from that event, it is the fear that Allah would be disappointed that I would lament such a miraculous gift that so many people prayed endless nights for. What if He were to take it back? I would feel devastated. In an effort to change my attitude I tried to go with hubby's advice and just embrace it. Of course, as time goes by the pregnancy began to grow on me, figuratively speaking as I can see from my growing belly :p A few other things also happened along the way but is too personal for me to write down here. We can only plan but Allah is the best of planners.
Some things are beyond planning. Life doesn't always turn out as planned.
You don't plan for a broken heart.
You don't plan an autistic child.
You don't plan to be single forever.
You don't plan for a lump in your breast. Or a disease. Or broken bones.
You plan to be young forever. You plan to climb the corporate ladder.
You plan to be rich and powerful. You plan to be acclaimed and successful.
You plan to conquer the universe. You plan to fall in love - and be loved forever.
You don't plan to be sad. You don't plan to be shattered. You don't plan to be hurt. You don't plan to be broke.
You don;t plan to be betrayed. You don;t plan to be alone in this world.
Sometimes, if you work hard enough, you can get what you want. but MOST times, what you want and what you get are two different things.
We, mortals, plan. But so does Allah in the heavens. Sometimes, it is difficult to understand Allah's plans, especially when His plans are not simultaneous with ours. Often, when He sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger..in despair.
True, we cannot choose what Allah wishes us to carry, but we can carry it with courage knowing that He will never abandon us nor send something we cannot cope with.
Sometimes, Allah breaks our spirit to save our soul.
Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole.
Sometimes, He allows pain so we can be stronger.
Sometimes, Allah sends us failure so we can be humble.
Sometimes, He allows illness so we can take better care of ourselves.
And sometimes, Allah takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything He gave us.
Make plans, but understand that we live only by Allah's grace and His Rahmah (mercy)...
