Of Leaving :(

17th April 2015 will always be a date that I'd never forget.

It started out as a normal Friday morning.

Us waking up.

Getting ready for work.

Going to work.

Busy at work.
Texted dear hubby saying that I couldn't have our daily lunch together.

Hubby was ok since he had Friday prayers anyways.
He always had to rush whenever we have our  Friday lunches.
Didn't get my weekly dose of Jambu depan masjid.
He almost always buys me jambu when we have our Friday lunches.
He'll go "I ada hadiah untuk you...u nak tak? Nah untuk you" while handing me the RM2 worth of cool jambu batu.
Ingatkan hadiah apa lah.
Its not a bouquet of flowers but even simple acts like that easily brings a smile to myself.
He was such a sweetheart like that...siapa yang tak cair :)

That day I went off for lunch a bit late because I wanted to finish off some work.
Had no cash so had to withdraw some at the ATM first.

Tried to withdraw RM200 from the ATM downstairs but no money came out.
I thought it was a glitch so I tried again but the RM200 still didn't come out.
The ATM didn't dispense the money and took my RM400.
Felt so annoyed at myself for trying the 2nd time around on the same machine.
Selalu I am always careful on things like that but on that day I was not.
So then, had to spend the next 30mins calling customer service to make a report while eating lunch by myself at Warung.
I had the usual - nasi tumpang and teh o panas.

Tried calling hubby during eating to vent out and seek comfort of my so called 'tragedy' but he didn't pick up the call. He had Ta'lim at the office around that time so I guess he was preoccupied.

After lunch, back in the office, I noticed that both my blouse's arms were ripped.
The inseam somehow tertetas. Luckily I had some safety pins.
It was a new blouse, never worn and washed once.
Dunno how that could have happened, I think it was the material.
Thank God I noticed early or else my arms would have been exposed.

Another setback for the day :(

Around 6pm hubby called saying that he's already downstairs with the kids.
I sempat mengadu sikit of my bad day to him and he promised me a hug later.

I got off work a bit late that evening.
It was a stressful period at work during that time and I wanted to settle as much before the weekends.
Wanted to have a clear conscience so that I could enjoy my weekend with the family.
Dear hubby was already patiently waiting with the kids in the car at our usual spot.

Usually, we would stop by OU/The Curve on Friday's to avoid the Friday traffic but since the parents-in-laws just came back from KK from their week long trip, we decided to go straight back to meet them.
Traffic was quite ok that day.
We reached home just before Maghrib.

At home, after praying Maghrib we managed to talk for a couple of minutes about our day.
Told dear hubby again of my crappy day and case of unfortunate events.
Got a big bear hug from him. My last hug. Our last hug :(
He said "Its ok..I kan ada." while hugging me.
His usual comforting line.
I know he sees my problem as not a big deal at all, I know it's not a big deal but having him by my side and hearing him say that he's there, all the stress seemed to go away.
Hilmi had that effect on me..hearing him supporting me and always having my back..everything felt like it was going to be ok.
Never in my mind could I imagine what we were in for later that night.

Met the parent-in-laws and sempat salam for the final time.
Haven't met them for a week since they had a biz trip in KK.
Kaklong and kids were also there to sleep over for the weekends.
They decided to go to Din's (my bro in law's house which was about 10mins away) to see the new addition of the family, 3 day old baby Rania.
We had already visited them at the hospital but the kids wanted to go again with their cousins so Hilmi decided to follow to help take care of the kids.
I didn't feel like going as I had a long week and crappy day and all I wanted to do was to just stay in and chill.
Hilmi was ok with me staying.
"You rehat lah" he said.
I love him for understanding me and always have my best interest at heart.
He was such a good husband. Understanding and always patient.

Before going to Din's, hubby helped to do the kids laundry and he said that he'll help to hang them out later once they got back. But I guess he never did get back :(

That was mostly his 'thing'... putting the clothes in the wash and hanging out the laundry.
He used to say that he's quite good at it so it became his chore whenever I needed his help with it.
He's always helpful around the house like that.
But of course he has certain domains that he claims he's good at - in this case his 'thing' would be doing the laundry, washing the dishes and taking out the trash.
I was always so grateful for his help.
Always eager to try and learn.
I hope he knows then how I truly appreciate his help and of him.

At around 8:15pm, I saw them off.

The Merc was still in the workshop for service so they went by Dalila's (my sister in law's) car.
I waved hubby and the rest from the door.

Saw the car drove away and thought nothing much out of it.

I went back to my peaceful Friday night.
Cooked Maggi for one for dinner..teringin as I haven't had Maggi for a while.

Browsed at what movie to watch during dinner.
Game Of Thrones have just finished downloading.
I had already set a date with hubby to watch it together later that night.
Our usual Friday night routine - watching a movie or series together.

A few minutes into my bowl of maggi I got a call from Kaklong.

That was around 9.50pm.
Ever so calmly, she said that they were all involved in an accident at the Mee Ketam place just a few minutes away.
I thought it was just a regular accident..a bump maybe on the car.
I thought maybe she called for me to pickup the kids so that the adults can handle things.
I never imagined it to be this worse.
It struck me the seriousness of the accident when Kak Long then later said that they were starting to tell them to mengucap (say the Syahadah).
I quickly got dressed to go out while calling my mom to mention what had happened.
My voice was all quivering then.

I arrived at the scene less than 5 minutes later with Dalila by my side who was also at home at that time.
I saw the car, it was in a terrible state.
I saw my father in law first.
Then my mother in law.
Then my husband.
Passers by had removed them from the crash site.
They were all lying on the ground.

As I walked nearer, I saw my father in law not moving.
My mother in law was hurt but I saw her moving a bit.
Din and some other people were near her.
And then....I saw Hilmi.
I stopped in my tracks.
I guess I was in shock.
He was all alone farther from the rest.
I saw his face...his eyes were shut but he seemed ok.
Maybe he was hurt...I thought.
He wasn't moving.
He had a gash near the side of his head near his eye..it looked minor..not fatal to me.

I was going to walk to him but then some people stopped me in my tracks.
And then seconds later I saw someone put a kain pelikat over his head/body.
And then I knew.
I knew that he was no longer here with us.
Time seemed to stopped still at that time.
My heart was pounding.
But I dare not watch to confirm further.
Deep down I knew what I saw and knew what it meant.

I didn't know how to react.
I didn't know how I could be so calm.
I expected myself to go to him and be by his side.
But I did not.
Part of me was afraid and was in denial.
If I go to him then I would have to accept what was deep down in my gut.
But then I realized that I was too late.
I could not do anything to help by being there by his side.
However, a part of me still regret not going to him back then on that night.

I quickly realized that I still had my kids to look out for.
I had something else to focus on.
I briefly scanned the rest of the place.
Saw Kak Long sitting nearby with her kids.
They seemed ok and that she had them under control.
Then I looked for both my boys.
Adil was on a passerby's lap while Aqil was perched on someone's motor.
Alhamdulillah they seemed ok.
Adil complained of pain in his tummy area while Aqil in between sobs complained that he couldn't move his legs as that they were hurting real bad.
I knew Aqil was really hurting as I never saw him that way before.

Thankfully 2 kind nurses still in their nurses uniform were on their way back home from hospital.
They were amongst the first to reach the scene and kind of evaluated everyone.
They offered to take me, Aqil and Adil to the nearest hospital - Hospital Sungai Buloh.
In the car which seemed like a loooongg 15 minutes ride, while comforting the kids that its all going to be alright, I calmly asked the nurses about hubby.
I think I asked them 'Suami saya dah meninggal ke kak?'
I can't remember what their response was.
I think they said 'Tak pasti la dik..nanti kita tengok macam mana'.
I think they knew but didn't want to tell me and wanted me to say strong and not react or panic.
But deep down I think I knew what I just saw back then.
I just wanted confirmation.
I guess if I really thought that he was still alive then I wouldn't have left the scene that early.

It all happened all too quickly.
Arriving at the hospital, Aqil was out in the Red Zone Emergency while Adil was in the Yellow Zone.
I don't know how long I was there before the rest came by ambulance.
All I knew was that I feared for Aqil's injury hoping that it would not be too serious.

It was a long night in the ED.
When I finally met Kak Long later, she said that "Husna, Kaklong nak bagi tau ni. Abah and Hilmi dah takde. Diorang dah bawa pegi forensics."
I guess she wanted to officially tell me.
I was as calm as I could be.
In a way I guess I already knew because of what I saw at the scene.
I was just then trying to get my mind to focus on the kids.
Then I got news about my  mother in law - she didn't make it as well.
Innalillah..Allah took our 3 loved ones at once that night.
To Him we belong and to Him we shall return.

In between going back and forth through Red and Yellow zones to check up on Aqil and Adil, I managed to see Hilmi for the last time before they did the post mortem.
It was around 12 something in the AM.
I saw him in a black body bag..the ones that we always see on TV.
I never thought that I will see Hilmi in one.
I slowly opened the bag...he was just serene laying there.
My dearest Hilmi...but only this time...it was only his body.
His soul no longer here.
He lay there motionless..his eyes closed.
This was the first time that I had been able to see him...to be by his side.
There was not really much blood except for the wound by his head.
He looked so peaceful. Just like as he was asleep.

I held his hands. It was still warm.
Holding his hands, I felt right at home..warm and comforting.
I kissed his hands for the last time.
I regret that I didn't salam him when I sent him off earlier.
I just thought that he would be back soon.

I wasn't there by his side when he took his last breath.
I couldn't imagine how he felt at that time.
I wished that I could have somehow help him relieve the pain or just be there for him.
I wished that I could be there but I guess Allah knows best.
Maybe I wouldn't be as strong if I was...who knows.

In that room, I held his hands and felt like not wanting to let go...of his hands..of him..and of leaving that room.
But somehow I managed to move and continue on for that night.
Later that night/early morning...I got called back to help mandikan jenazah for the siraman terakhir.
He was still sleeping..peaceful as a baby all cleaned up with his lips smiling..just like when he got out of the shower...all wet and not dried properly.
I saw him dikafankan..my mom was by my side throughout the whole process.
Tears were flowing as I watched the whole procedure.
I remember holding my mom's hand ever so tightly.
Din and Ilyas were also there.
They had mandikan and siapkan Abah before that and now it was Hilmi's turn.
It all happened so quick...in a few hours I will never see him again in this dunya.
I kissed him goodbye.
He wasn't as warm as before.
He was a bit cold.
It was a sad affair.
I cried.
Never did I imagine that I would see my husband dikafankan.
Only God knows how I felt then, It didn't feel real...like it was just a dream.
A really bad dream. I wish that I had waken up from that dream but indeed it was all real.
By the time Hilmi selamat dikafankan...someone's phone blasted out the Azan...it was Subuh by then.
In the bilik jenazah...seeing my husband all wrapped up in white...never going to see him again in this world...
It was all so syahdu.
I can't describe the feeling.
It's a memory that I don't intend to forget forever.

I missed him :(
He was my BFF.
My partner in crime.
He knew me too well.
He knew me better than I know myself.
I didn't have to pretend I was someone else when with him.
We shared so much together. Joys..sorrows. The bickering..the make ups.
When the world was against me, I had him by my side.
My knight in shining armour.
He was my first relationship. He was my first love.
Now, he became my first heartbreak.
But indeed Allah knows best.
To Him we shall all return.
This life is in dunya is just short and temporary.

You were the perfect husband.
You were the perfect father.
Allah loves you more.
But Alhamdulillah..I am very grateful for getting the chance to know you, to be a part in your life and you in mine's.
I would never trade it for anything else.
The things that you taught me.
The things that you made me see.
Even though we don't see eye to eye at times...you complement me in every way possible.

I miss you H.
I will always love you.
You are a part of me and will always be in my heart.
I hope you are doing fine over there.
MashaaAllah, the many people that turned up during the solah jenazah and the prayers that we received were overwhelming..may Allah accept them and bless them all.

May you find peace over there Hilmi.
May Allah bless you and have mercy on your soul.
May we be reunited and find each other in Jannah in shaa Allah.
I love you H. Always have. And always will.

Al-fatihah to my arwah husband, father-in-law and mother-in-law who lost their lives in the accident on that fateful day of April 17th, 2015...
Allahyarham Ahmad Zulhilmi Assanah
Allahyarham Assanah Mohd Mydin
Allahyarhamah Zalehar Omar

May your souls be shaded by His mercy.

Ameen.
Al-fatihah.

Of happier times (early 2015). Hilmi was wearing his purple shirt on the day he passed away. My fave shirt. Al-fatihah.

Of coping~

Tomorrow will be Aqil's 5th birthday. Alhamdulillah he has grown up to be a great boy. It was my birthday a few days back. I think it was one my saddest birthdays. To be frank..I dont know whether to feel sad because you are no longer here H, or because I should feel grateful that I'm blessed by Allah to reach the 30 year old mark. In short it was a mix of emotions. I wished you were there on that day by my side. I wish you are here now.

Today, Aqil had his follow up appointment. Alhamdulillah the doctor said that he can remove his cast in 2 weeks time. I dont know why, but everytime I go for the kids follow up I feel sad. Usually you will teman me for these appointments. And the thought that why I was there saddens me so much. But fret not dear H, I am strong for the kids..I hope. Luckily I had Abah to teman me. Its not the same though having you with us like always :(

After the appointment, I went to TTDI's Maxis Center to terminate your account and settle the outstanding bill. A part of me dont want to close your account but then the bill will keep on going. Your phone was no where to be found since the accident. I tried calling you many times but all I got was voice mail. Maybe it got lost/broken during the incident. I still call you, you know. It feels good to see your face up on my recent calls. Just like old times. I also still message you from time to time when I miss you most or when I need to rant out. Just like old times. Like usual, I wouldnt get much response from you. You were not the texting type but more of the calling type. I miss you dearly H. Thats why I was kind of emotional to terminate your Maxis account. I still want or I guess need to call/text you. Once your account has been terminated, someone else might get to use your number. Huhu.

Writing to you in a way helps me to be a bit stronger. Its like you're there and its ok. Or the fact that I'm staying strong for you. I dont want you to get sad or anything like that. You always taught me to be happy and live life positively. You always reminded me to not be sad and be optimistic when you were here. I learnt a lot from you H. I hope I can remember and practice that in the future.

You were the perfect husband that I could ever asked for. Of course back then I know I always complained..I thought I wanted much more out of you. I wanted you to be more romantic lalala. But it seems that what I had was enough. More than enough. But its too late now. I regret that. I took you for granted. I failed to see the love that you showered us through your actions. You always said that kan? I je yang tak faham2. Its true like what they always say..'You'll truly miss someone when they are truly gone'. :(

You were great with the kids. Ever so patient in dealing with them. You played with them when I was too tired to layan them. You became their best friend. The best dad that they could ever ask for. I hope they still can remember the good times they had with you H. They are still so young. Abang knows that you are gone. He understands. I dont think he has ever cried because of you gone. He is such a brave and big boy. Memang 'Abang'. He misses you dearly and he loves you. But I've never seen him cry. I hope he's ok. I know he loves you so much. You yang selalu bangun malam2 buatkan susu for him and check and tukar his nappy malam2. You tak kisah pon. You did it like you enjoyed it. Thats what I loved about you H. Always ever so positive. Everyday..I always remind him to bacakan the Fatihah and pray for you, Tokbah and Tokma as well. Alhamdulillah he's been doing it everyday. Hope its something for you over there H.

Adil on the hand seems to not understand what is going on. He's asked about you before. I told him you were with Allah. Because I know he doesnt understand the dying/gone forever part. He acts that you with Allah, is like you are at some place and that you will be coming back at some point. At one time tu I asked 'Adik..Abah dekat mana?' Dia cakap "Abah kan dekat Allah. Alaaa..Adik nak ikut Abah." Macam you pegi OU/7e je yang dia nak ikut2. I tried to make him understand but dia tak faham concept lagi. At one time tu he saw me crying and he asked me why. I said 'Mama rindu Abah.' And then he said 'Abah kan dengan Allah. Nanti Abah dah sihat Abah balik lah.' Dengan nada ceria2 dia bercerita tu. Lagi la I nangis dengar dia cakap mcmtu. He's too small to understand. I tanya 'Adik rindu Abah?' Dia jawab 'Rindu!'. Oh Adik. Why are you so innocent.

I've been rambling a lot. My post ni takde tujuan but to ramble. All these details in life I selalu lupa. So I guess its good to have it recorded like this. Whenever rindu, I'll read up my own blog. Post ni dah jadi mcm letter to you pulak. Huhu.

I love you H. Forever and always. There's always a place for you inside my heart. Hope you are ok over there. I always pray for you H. Eventhough I just knew you for less than 7 years..you have impacted me in such a huge way possible. Father to both of my kids. The love of my life. I miss you and will constantly pray the best for you..inshaaAllah.

Al-fatihah.

Abah and Adil at Satay Satay, OU (2014)