Bidadari Sayang

Bidadari sayang.

His first term of endearment for me.
I miss you calling me that.

There were others..my favourite was "baby girl" but "bidadari sayang" has a special place in my heart because it was the first one.

Bidadari sayang.
You used to use it profoundly during our early years of marriage.
You used to use it extensively when texting...punya lah panjang nak type. Hehe.
Later in the years, not so much..but I don't mind.
That term of endearment brings an uncomfortable feeling inside me.
A part of me don't like that the term but a part of me macam terharu that you acknowledged me highly as such. Konfiusss..haha.
But now, how I wish to hear you calling me that once more.

I always felt that the term was so mushy.."jiwang".
I don't feel like a bidadari at all.
But you kept using it..so I just layankan jela.
I don't know what to call you back...so last-last entah mcm mana it got stuck to calling you "sayang". Ok. Acceptable for me.
Nak cakap/panggil "sayang" pon I rasa mushy...yela..kan konon rock chick dulu..hahah.
But i called you "Sayang" once in a while..not everytime. It got stuck until the last day I was with you. Whenever I need comfort or nak meluahkan perasaan or bermanja-manja or nak ask for something I'll call you "sayang".
But I never referred myself as "Bidadari sayang".
I tak tau kenapa. Never felt comfortable claiming that title kot.

You were indeed my "sayang".
My love.
Love you dearly Sayang.

I hope later that I can be your bidadari in jannah. InshaaAllah. If Allah wills it.
I pray everytime so that we can meet again. Aamin.

Missing you dearly sayang.
So confused of the decisions that I have to make alone right now.
I know I am not a good decision maker.
Always so fickle minded.
I always asked your opinion on any big decisions that I have to make.
I like talking things through with you so that I can make a better decision.
Thats how my thought process goes.
Sometimes I'll ask you and most of the time I'll disregard your opinion.
"Baik you tak payah tanya I kalau macam tu..you dah tau apa you nak" you always said jokingly.
Hehe. Sorry sayang. But I need reassurance from you.
You were always so grounded.
You were my rock.
If I made any bad decisions...I'll know you'll always have my back.
But I don't have my rock with me anymore :(
No one that makes me feel that way anymore.

But I always ingat kata-kata you "Always take responsibility for your actions."
You dah decide tu..so if anything happens kena own up and take responsibility.
If all doesn't work out find a way to fix it.

Huhu. I miss you.
You were ever so confident.
So sure of yourself.
Always know what you wanted.
I wish I was more like you.

Miss you sayang.
Forever and always.

Love,
Your bidadari.
Bidadari sayang.

Pic from Aug/Sept 2009. About a month being a Mr&Mrs.

Of struggles and of family~

Its been a while. There have been the good days and then there's the bad days. InshaaAllah with His mercy He will guide me through it. I've been following or going through FB pages/instagram/tumblr of inspiring Islamic quotes daily in the hopes of finding something to sooth my pain. There are some that really touched my heart and the message really does come across. Like it was meant for me or that I can really relate to. Sometimes I share them on FB in the hopes that someone reading them will get the same affect on me. I'm not one to share things/posts on FB but once you go through something like this..you dont care..you just hope people will find solace from it and will feel better about themselves. Sharing is caring right. May we all benefit from it all.

With all that has happened..I think I am changing bit by bit. If not by a whole lot..but maybe a little bit. I try to observe more of my relationship towards Allah which wasn't as strong as I would have liked it before. People say that everything that happens is a blessing in disguise. InshaaAllah with this chapter in my life..I hope that it will bring me closer to Allah. It would have been sweeter if H was there along the way. But who am I to question His plan for I am just a teeny weeny weakling. I really hope that I am able to change for the better and that He will help me get through the bad days. Sometimes I just feel lonely but I know I shouldn't feel like that because I have my family to be thankful for, the kids and I have Him to confide into. But sometimes the heart just 'misses'.. Thank you Allah for the love that you have blessed upon us. Thank you for letting me taste the sweetness of love from Hilmi.

Being around family helps. Being around your family helps too, H. Sometimes it feels like you, Mama and Abah are just with us when we spend time or get together..just like old times. I miss that a lot. Being with them always reminded me of you and its a good thing. I like it when things/people reminded me of you :) Eventhough my eyes might tear up a bit I'm thankful to still be reminded of the memories and how people/things were connected to you.

Birthday Dalila (March 2015)

Sometimes I feel that I can get through it all but at times I'm not. Its ever changing. Penat. Emotionally tiring. Huhu. I was all positive starting this post but now my eyes are watery typing about all this. Huhu.

I just hope you are doing well over there H. I pray for your well being whenever I can. I would gladly sacrifice not having you by my side in the hopes of you getting His mercy over there. Wait for me H. InshaaAllah we will meet again. Would love to see you smile, your laughter and everything about you. Missing you dearly.

The sheikh from our recent tafseer class shared.."Believe in Him, rely on Him...tawakkal to Allah". Betul-betul kena at the right time I needed to hear it. InshaaAllah. Please make my heart steadfast...be still my heart..stay calm..do not quiver...Allah is here.