Of moments~

I'm feeling 'nostalgic' today. 2 more days until we reach the 6 month mark. Time flies ever so fast. Yesterday also marked the new Hijri year..1437H. You went away in 1436H.

Had my first teppanyaki today..without you. It used to be our thing. I've never ate teppanyakki without you. Something so trivial but such a big meaning behind it.

Passed a store and glanced at the mannequin in front with the nice shirt. I thought of you and how you would look smart with that shirt. I miss shopping for you. Buying you clothes...buying you things and get to see you wear them. I miss those moments. My heart is aching badly missing you.

Father & son moment. March 2014 - MFM Sunway Pyramid. Loved the way how Aqil's arm is touching his dad's.

I know that there is nothing that I can do. It is all Allah's will. I accept that. Redha. I accept that you are no longer here with us. But at the same time...the heart just misses..badly. The pain of missing someone dearly..someone close to you..living with them for every single day. You were my rock. I miss you. I love you.

It's hard not to think of you when you have been such a big part of my life. I still feel your 'presence' everywhere even though you are still not here.

I do hope that you are doing well over there. My mind can't comprehend how it is in the other world. I guess my time will eventually come for me to know. But in the mean time. my prayers are with you. I hope it goes through. I hope it carries enough weight.

I'm also struggling to work on my relationship with al-Khaliq. Sometimes I too slip away. It used to be much easier in the earlier months. Now..I feel that I have to really battle out the feeling you know. Struggling to keep awake and finding the time to read the Quran, waking up early for solahs...even going for Class Agama dah rasa macam malas-malas. I hope I can strive through. For me, for you, for the kids, for my family...for the sake of Allah. Ya Allah...please help me in my affairs in the dunya..to be closer to You and to please You.

I am still hurting inside. Kerinduan itu yang hurts the most. You were so good to me and I took all of it for granted. "Which then of the bounties of your lord will you deny? (Ar-Rahman 55:13)" Ya Allah..please forgive me...please forgive us..please have Mercy on us. Please help me through this.

Bidadari Sayang

Bidadari sayang.

His first term of endearment for me.
I miss you calling me that.

There were others..my favourite was "baby girl" but "bidadari sayang" has a special place in my heart because it was the first one.

Bidadari sayang.
You used to use it profoundly during our early years of marriage.
You used to use it extensively when texting...punya lah panjang nak type. Hehe.
Later in the years, not so much..but I don't mind.
That term of endearment brings an uncomfortable feeling inside me.
A part of me don't like that the term but a part of me macam terharu that you acknowledged me highly as such. Konfiusss..haha.
But now, how I wish to hear you calling me that once more.

I always felt that the term was so mushy.."jiwang".
I don't feel like a bidadari at all.
But you kept using it..so I just layankan jela.
I don't know what to call you back...so last-last entah mcm mana it got stuck to calling you "sayang". Ok. Acceptable for me.
Nak cakap/panggil "sayang" pon I rasa mushy...yela..kan konon rock chick dulu..hahah.
But i called you "Sayang" once in a while..not everytime. It got stuck until the last day I was with you. Whenever I need comfort or nak meluahkan perasaan or bermanja-manja or nak ask for something I'll call you "sayang".
But I never referred myself as "Bidadari sayang".
I tak tau kenapa. Never felt comfortable claiming that title kot.

You were indeed my "sayang".
My love.
Love you dearly Sayang.

I hope later that I can be your bidadari in jannah. InshaaAllah. If Allah wills it.
I pray everytime so that we can meet again. Aamin.

Missing you dearly sayang.
So confused of the decisions that I have to make alone right now.
I know I am not a good decision maker.
Always so fickle minded.
I always asked your opinion on any big decisions that I have to make.
I like talking things through with you so that I can make a better decision.
Thats how my thought process goes.
Sometimes I'll ask you and most of the time I'll disregard your opinion.
"Baik you tak payah tanya I kalau macam tu..you dah tau apa you nak" you always said jokingly.
Hehe. Sorry sayang. But I need reassurance from you.
You were always so grounded.
You were my rock.
If I made any bad decisions...I'll know you'll always have my back.
But I don't have my rock with me anymore :(
No one that makes me feel that way anymore.

But I always ingat kata-kata you "Always take responsibility for your actions."
You dah decide tu..so if anything happens kena own up and take responsibility.
If all doesn't work out find a way to fix it.

Huhu. I miss you.
You were ever so confident.
So sure of yourself.
Always know what you wanted.
I wish I was more like you.

Miss you sayang.
Forever and always.

Love,
Your bidadari.
Bidadari sayang.

Pic from Aug/Sept 2009. About a month being a Mr&Mrs.

Of struggles and of family~

Its been a while. There have been the good days and then there's the bad days. InshaaAllah with His mercy He will guide me through it. I've been following or going through FB pages/instagram/tumblr of inspiring Islamic quotes daily in the hopes of finding something to sooth my pain. There are some that really touched my heart and the message really does come across. Like it was meant for me or that I can really relate to. Sometimes I share them on FB in the hopes that someone reading them will get the same affect on me. I'm not one to share things/posts on FB but once you go through something like this..you dont care..you just hope people will find solace from it and will feel better about themselves. Sharing is caring right. May we all benefit from it all.

With all that has happened..I think I am changing bit by bit. If not by a whole lot..but maybe a little bit. I try to observe more of my relationship towards Allah which wasn't as strong as I would have liked it before. People say that everything that happens is a blessing in disguise. InshaaAllah with this chapter in my life..I hope that it will bring me closer to Allah. It would have been sweeter if H was there along the way. But who am I to question His plan for I am just a teeny weeny weakling. I really hope that I am able to change for the better and that He will help me get through the bad days. Sometimes I just feel lonely but I know I shouldn't feel like that because I have my family to be thankful for, the kids and I have Him to confide into. But sometimes the heart just 'misses'.. Thank you Allah for the love that you have blessed upon us. Thank you for letting me taste the sweetness of love from Hilmi.

Being around family helps. Being around your family helps too, H. Sometimes it feels like you, Mama and Abah are just with us when we spend time or get together..just like old times. I miss that a lot. Being with them always reminded me of you and its a good thing. I like it when things/people reminded me of you :) Eventhough my eyes might tear up a bit I'm thankful to still be reminded of the memories and how people/things were connected to you.

Birthday Dalila (March 2015)

Sometimes I feel that I can get through it all but at times I'm not. Its ever changing. Penat. Emotionally tiring. Huhu. I was all positive starting this post but now my eyes are watery typing about all this. Huhu.

I just hope you are doing well over there H. I pray for your well being whenever I can. I would gladly sacrifice not having you by my side in the hopes of you getting His mercy over there. Wait for me H. InshaaAllah we will meet again. Would love to see you smile, your laughter and everything about you. Missing you dearly.

The sheikh from our recent tafseer class shared.."Believe in Him, rely on Him...tawakkal to Allah". Betul-betul kena at the right time I needed to hear it. InshaaAllah. Please make my heart steadfast...be still my heart..stay calm..do not quiver...Allah is here.

Of Adapting~

This Ramadhan has been a testing month. Not because of the fasting or the traffic or anything like that. But its the feeling I get during this month. I don't know why. I feel more emotional. I reminisce a lot during this month. The things that I took for granted. You. Even the simple things in life.

Before I was married, I consider myself to be an independent person. Being the eldest and all, I'd like to think myself as independent. Back then I drove myself everywhere usually alone. I didn't seem to think that it was troublesome back then. After being married, you were the one that drove me everywhere. You were my personal driver. My chauffeur. My suami. Our office merely 5 minutes away saw us going to and back from work together. I got used to you driving me around and me being the Ma'am Besar. I guess I took that for granted. I know I took that for granted eventhough at times I relay my appreciation towards you driving me around. We used to joke around and say "Bertuah I ada suami/isteri macam you. Alhamdulillah~" whenever we want to voice out our thanks/appreciation for the other.

Yesterday, I was craving for Puteri's tauhu kuah kacang and kuih lopes. Thought I would drop by after work. But knowing TTDI during Ramadhan and bazaar nya lagi..parking was a nightmare. I didn't manage to get my tauhu. I used to remember last year or at times like these when parking was difficult you would just drop me off, then you would circle around looking for a parking/standing spot and then once I'm done you would fetch me. At that time I took all of this for granted. I never thought much of it. Until now :( Wish you were here.

Last year during Ramadhan, you would fetch me at my office at 4.30pm. Then we would go to TTDI's bazaar, fetch the kids and go back home. Now, everyday I pass by that bazaar..see the throngs of people and reminisced on what once was. Huhu. Bukannya I miss the bazaar but the time that I get to spend with you going to the bazaar. It was a fun occasion. Missing you dearly H.

Then there's living with my family. I love them dearly but since being married with you I was treated like a princess and I never even knew it. You put me/my needs above yours. Back then I never thought much about it. I thought.."ooh..suami memang kena buat mcmtu kot." But now I know how much you loved me. How much you loved us. Thank you sayang for being the best husband and abah to the kids. I'm so grateful to have had a husband like you and to get to feel the love from you. There are some less unfortunate that do not get to feel this kind of love. May Allah shower them with His love. 

You loved me without judgement. Eventhough you judge, I tak terasa sangat because I knew that was just you teasing. Like the other day, I'm a picky eater...my family knows that..you know that..most people close knows that. But my family - God bless them, I know they have good intentions and all..but they judge me and say something like 'You ni..boleh ke jangan choose makanan? Belajar lah makan itu lalala." Its actually a normal thing and I know its for my own good but I dunno why I terasa at that time. Call it PMS. Duh! Back then, whenever, I get that line I would just ignore it and take it in like a pinch of salt. It didn't matter what they say because I know I always had you. If I say the same thing to you, you would never judge. You would just layan me and accept me for who I am. Picky eater or not. You would love me for who I am and did not try to change me. Eventhough it was not always the case..but usually the other way round. I always wanted to try and change some part of you..hihihi. But that's another story altogether.

Sometimes, it's just really sad. I no longer have someone to have my back. Whom I can always be honest 100% to. Whom I can always be myself 100% to. I miss you. I miss the way how you treat me. I miss the way how you make me feel. I miss all of you. Your body..your heart..your soul.

Ya Allah..please make me strong to go through this test of yours. Make me come out a better person through it all. Guide me to the right way. Ya Allah..please bless us all and grant us your mercy. 

Thank you Allah for lending H to us all this time. 

Al-fatihah to Allahyarham Ahmad Zulhilmi Assanah (Nov 1984 - April 2015)

Love you till Jannah~

I know its cliche, but now I truly get the meaning of 'love you till Jannah'. May you be at peace over there H. May we meet again...see you soon..inshaaAllah.

Night and day, I still feel you are close to me

And I remember you in every prayer that I make

Every single day may you be shaded by His mercy

But life is not the same, and it will never be the same

But I'm so thankful for every moment I shared with you

Cause I know this life is not forever

Of trying to move on~

Assalamualaikum Hilmi. I hope you are fine and resting in peace over there. Its the 4th day of Ramadhan 1436H. My first Ramadhan without you. We met and went out for the first time 7 Ramadhan's ago. Iftar and Tarawih.

Its my first night here in the house since the accident. Its been 2 months now. Its not the same. It doesn't feel like home anymore. It didn't feel like this when I came over 2 weeks ago to get some things from the house. I dunno why it feels different now.

I guess because I already have another routine back in Bangi? Going to work, the commute, the routine so maybe this routine that I am so accustomed to now feels 'weird'? I dunno :(

I came across a letter that I found about while looking through your stuff. It amazes me that I found the letter at the perfect time. I got the feeling that it was meant to be found. It's like Allah guided me to look through your other bag and find it. Mashaa Allah...He and His powers. I didn't even know you had the letter made. Usually I know all these sort of things. This time I didn't..but Allah designed it so perfectly so that I would find it. If I hadn't gone for this sleepover I wouldn't have the time to go through your old stuff here in the room, then I wouldn't have found it. Even later if I did, it would all be too late. Mashaa Allah..He has plans that only He knows the extent of it. And then, that letter dated Oct 2014, about 6 months ago..its like you know and you were getting prepared for whats to come. Ya Allah. It gives me the shivers to think of His power and knowledge.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My first night sleeping in the room without you. It felt different. I felt hollow inside. Sometimes I try to picture you on your side of the bed. I picture you walking about in the room. But then all is left are the memories that we had.

This house also feels empty. It feels incomplete. 3 of its residents no longer here. Adil asked where was Tok Bah. He asked if Tok Bah was upstairs like where he used to be. I didn't expect that from Adil. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he forgot. I had to explain again where Tok Bah was in a completely fake calm serene voice. Oh Adil~

We did solat berjemaah together dinner. Just like old times. This time Din was the imam. Previously it was Abah or if he was not around it would be you. I don't think I pernah solat and Din was the imam. Selalu ikut ranking seniority and you were the abang.

The one thing I miss most since you were not around is having an imam. You were my imam back then. We would try to pray together whenever we could. Its a trait/habit that I admire from your family's side. Always perfoming solah berjemaah. As for us, we would usually pray together during the weekends or for Isha' when the kids were asleep. I miss those moments. Baca doa lepas solat together. You suka baca doa and zikir panjang sampai I ngantuk. Huhu. I miss those times on the prayer mat. It all started masa I pregnant, I sakit belakang so you asked me to baring on your lap. You continued on while tepuk-tepuk I like a baby. It was so comforting. I felt so safe..so at home. And somehow it continued on whenever I penat..I will lay my head on your head sambil bertelekung and berzikir. I miss those days. Those moments. I miss you. Everytime I finish solat, I'll think of you. I'll think of those moments that we had together.

But all these nikmats hanya pinjaman Allah. Alhamdulillah for all the blessings that you have showered upon us. We put our heart out for the dunya when in fact we should have our heart set for Allah. Ya Allah..please forgive us, have mercy on us and guide us to the right path. Inshaa Allah.

Of continuing....

Today is the first day I'm back at the office after so long. After 7 weeks. Someone even thought that I had resigned. Pffttt~

It feels weird. Coming back to my normal routine. It feels normal...at the same time it doesn't.

The things that we used to do..no longer. I missed those moments.

Waking up. Getting ready. You driving us. You dropping me at work. Parking at our usual spot while I kiss and wave all my 3 boys goodbye. You continue on sending the kids off to school. I would go about my morning. At around noon I'll be texting you asking you what's for lunch. I always ask yet you always ask me back. I always get first pick. You pamper me as such. I loved that. That's why I loved having lunch with you. It was also another time for us to have our alone time..without the kids..just us two. Everyday is date day. Yeayy! Except for some days when work gets in the way. But mostly we'll have lunch together. Our time to reconnect...even for an hour. I miss those times. Just simple pleasures but it meant a lot to me. I always thank you after..for taking me out for lunch. A happy tummy and a happier me. You always know how to make me happy.

Then we would go about our afternoon at work. Later in the evening, you would pick up the kids and then pick me up. My boys will be patiently waiting for me to finish work to head home. It was a welcoming sight to get in the car with my favourite boys. Now my boys are short by one :(

After, we would decide on where to have dinner..depending on the traffic. Lately, before you left we were avid dwellers of The Curve and OU. The kids most favourite places to go. It was easy to make them happy. You pon ok je nak layan diorang. I feel a pang of nostalgia whenever I set my eyes upon our regular places. I passed by Popular today and glanced at the magazine section. You always used to be there..waiting for me. Today..it was empty. No you...with your smile..with the way you hold the magazine to read it. I miss that. I miss your face. Running my hand through your hair. Holding your hands and feeling the warmth and that it moulds so perfectly into mines. I always feel safe walking next to you. My own personal bodyguard. I miss you. Your heart...your soul. I miss all of you T_T

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to put a brave front. People at work ask how I am. I don't have an answer but to just to tell them I'm ok..I'm doing fine. People would never know how I feel. Only He does.

I'm being emotional because its my first day back at work. The feeling that it's the same..but it's not.

I hope I'll be doing OK. I hope we'll be doing OK. My only fear is that I start to forget. I don't want to  ever forget. I want to remember all the tiny details if possible. But I am only human. I pray everyday that I would never forget. I will hold the memories that we had and cherish them for as long as I can. I love you H. I miss you so much. You were such a great husband. The greatest dad that the kids could ask for. I hope our love will stay strong till jannah. I'll keep on praying for you. I'll keep on remembering you. Love you sayang. Always have. Always will. Suamiku. Al-fatihah.

From my seat..glancing left I can see your workplace. This place...the memories :( May you rest in peace sayang.

Of Leaving :(

17th April 2015 will always be a date that I'd never forget.

It started out as a normal Friday morning.

Us waking up.

Getting ready for work.

Going to work.

Busy at work.
Texted dear hubby saying that I couldn't have our daily lunch together.

Hubby was ok since he had Friday prayers anyways.
He always had to rush whenever we have our  Friday lunches.
Didn't get my weekly dose of Jambu depan masjid.
He almost always buys me jambu when we have our Friday lunches.
He'll go "I ada hadiah untuk you...u nak tak? Nah untuk you" while handing me the RM2 worth of cool jambu batu.
Ingatkan hadiah apa lah.
Its not a bouquet of flowers but even simple acts like that easily brings a smile to myself.
He was such a sweetheart like that...siapa yang tak cair :)

That day I went off for lunch a bit late because I wanted to finish off some work.
Had no cash so had to withdraw some at the ATM first.

Tried to withdraw RM200 from the ATM downstairs but no money came out.
I thought it was a glitch so I tried again but the RM200 still didn't come out.
The ATM didn't dispense the money and took my RM400.
Felt so annoyed at myself for trying the 2nd time around on the same machine.
Selalu I am always careful on things like that but on that day I was not.
So then, had to spend the next 30mins calling customer service to make a report while eating lunch by myself at Warung.
I had the usual - nasi tumpang and teh o panas.

Tried calling hubby during eating to vent out and seek comfort of my so called 'tragedy' but he didn't pick up the call. He had Ta'lim at the office around that time so I guess he was preoccupied.

After lunch, back in the office, I noticed that both my blouse's arms were ripped.
The inseam somehow tertetas. Luckily I had some safety pins.
It was a new blouse, never worn and washed once.
Dunno how that could have happened, I think it was the material.
Thank God I noticed early or else my arms would have been exposed.

Another setback for the day :(

Around 6pm hubby called saying that he's already downstairs with the kids.
I sempat mengadu sikit of my bad day to him and he promised me a hug later.

I got off work a bit late that evening.
It was a stressful period at work during that time and I wanted to settle as much before the weekends.
Wanted to have a clear conscience so that I could enjoy my weekend with the family.
Dear hubby was already patiently waiting with the kids in the car at our usual spot.

Usually, we would stop by OU/The Curve on Friday's to avoid the Friday traffic but since the parents-in-laws just came back from KK from their week long trip, we decided to go straight back to meet them.
Traffic was quite ok that day.
We reached home just before Maghrib.

At home, after praying Maghrib we managed to talk for a couple of minutes about our day.
Told dear hubby again of my crappy day and case of unfortunate events.
Got a big bear hug from him. My last hug. Our last hug :(
He said "Its ok..I kan ada." while hugging me.
His usual comforting line.
I know he sees my problem as not a big deal at all, I know it's not a big deal but having him by my side and hearing him say that he's there, all the stress seemed to go away.
Hilmi had that effect on me..hearing him supporting me and always having my back..everything felt like it was going to be ok.
Never in my mind could I imagine what we were in for later that night.

Met the parent-in-laws and sempat salam for the final time.
Haven't met them for a week since they had a biz trip in KK.
Kaklong and kids were also there to sleep over for the weekends.
They decided to go to Din's (my bro in law's house which was about 10mins away) to see the new addition of the family, 3 day old baby Rania.
We had already visited them at the hospital but the kids wanted to go again with their cousins so Hilmi decided to follow to help take care of the kids.
I didn't feel like going as I had a long week and crappy day and all I wanted to do was to just stay in and chill.
Hilmi was ok with me staying.
"You rehat lah" he said.
I love him for understanding me and always have my best interest at heart.
He was such a good husband. Understanding and always patient.

Before going to Din's, hubby helped to do the kids laundry and he said that he'll help to hang them out later once they got back. But I guess he never did get back :(

That was mostly his 'thing'... putting the clothes in the wash and hanging out the laundry.
He used to say that he's quite good at it so it became his chore whenever I needed his help with it.
He's always helpful around the house like that.
But of course he has certain domains that he claims he's good at - in this case his 'thing' would be doing the laundry, washing the dishes and taking out the trash.
I was always so grateful for his help.
Always eager to try and learn.
I hope he knows then how I truly appreciate his help and of him.

At around 8:15pm, I saw them off.

The Merc was still in the workshop for service so they went by Dalila's (my sister in law's) car.
I waved hubby and the rest from the door.

Saw the car drove away and thought nothing much out of it.

I went back to my peaceful Friday night.
Cooked Maggi for one for dinner..teringin as I haven't had Maggi for a while.

Browsed at what movie to watch during dinner.
Game Of Thrones have just finished downloading.
I had already set a date with hubby to watch it together later that night.
Our usual Friday night routine - watching a movie or series together.

A few minutes into my bowl of maggi I got a call from Kaklong.

That was around 9.50pm.
Ever so calmly, she said that they were all involved in an accident at the Mee Ketam place just a few minutes away.
I thought it was just a regular accident..a bump maybe on the car.
I thought maybe she called for me to pickup the kids so that the adults can handle things.
I never imagined it to be this worse.
It struck me the seriousness of the accident when Kak Long then later said that they were starting to tell them to mengucap (say the Syahadah).
I quickly got dressed to go out while calling my mom to mention what had happened.
My voice was all quivering then.

I arrived at the scene less than 5 minutes later with Dalila by my side who was also at home at that time.
I saw the car, it was in a terrible state.
I saw my father in law first.
Then my mother in law.
Then my husband.
Passers by had removed them from the crash site.
They were all lying on the ground.

As I walked nearer, I saw my father in law not moving.
My mother in law was hurt but I saw her moving a bit.
Din and some other people were near her.
And then....I saw Hilmi.
I stopped in my tracks.
I guess I was in shock.
He was all alone farther from the rest.
I saw his face...his eyes were shut but he seemed ok.
Maybe he was hurt...I thought.
He wasn't moving.
He had a gash near the side of his head near his eye..it looked minor..not fatal to me.

I was going to walk to him but then some people stopped me in my tracks.
And then seconds later I saw someone put a kain pelikat over his head/body.
And then I knew.
I knew that he was no longer here with us.
Time seemed to stopped still at that time.
My heart was pounding.
But I dare not watch to confirm further.
Deep down I knew what I saw and knew what it meant.

I didn't know how to react.
I didn't know how I could be so calm.
I expected myself to go to him and be by his side.
But I did not.
Part of me was afraid and was in denial.
If I go to him then I would have to accept what was deep down in my gut.
But then I realized that I was too late.
I could not do anything to help by being there by his side.
However, a part of me still regret not going to him back then on that night.

I quickly realized that I still had my kids to look out for.
I had something else to focus on.
I briefly scanned the rest of the place.
Saw Kak Long sitting nearby with her kids.
They seemed ok and that she had them under control.
Then I looked for both my boys.
Adil was on a passerby's lap while Aqil was perched on someone's motor.
Alhamdulillah they seemed ok.
Adil complained of pain in his tummy area while Aqil in between sobs complained that he couldn't move his legs as that they were hurting real bad.
I knew Aqil was really hurting as I never saw him that way before.

Thankfully 2 kind nurses still in their nurses uniform were on their way back home from hospital.
They were amongst the first to reach the scene and kind of evaluated everyone.
They offered to take me, Aqil and Adil to the nearest hospital - Hospital Sungai Buloh.
In the car which seemed like a loooongg 15 minutes ride, while comforting the kids that its all going to be alright, I calmly asked the nurses about hubby.
I think I asked them 'Suami saya dah meninggal ke kak?'
I can't remember what their response was.
I think they said 'Tak pasti la dik..nanti kita tengok macam mana'.
I think they knew but didn't want to tell me and wanted me to say strong and not react or panic.
But deep down I think I knew what I just saw back then.
I just wanted confirmation.
I guess if I really thought that he was still alive then I wouldn't have left the scene that early.

It all happened all too quickly.
Arriving at the hospital, Aqil was out in the Red Zone Emergency while Adil was in the Yellow Zone.
I don't know how long I was there before the rest came by ambulance.
All I knew was that I feared for Aqil's injury hoping that it would not be too serious.

It was a long night in the ED.
When I finally met Kak Long later, she said that "Husna, Kaklong nak bagi tau ni. Abah and Hilmi dah takde. Diorang dah bawa pegi forensics."
I guess she wanted to officially tell me.
I was as calm as I could be.
In a way I guess I already knew because of what I saw at the scene.
I was just then trying to get my mind to focus on the kids.
Then I got news about my  mother in law - she didn't make it as well.
Innalillah..Allah took our 3 loved ones at once that night.
To Him we belong and to Him we shall return.

In between going back and forth through Red and Yellow zones to check up on Aqil and Adil, I managed to see Hilmi for the last time before they did the post mortem.
It was around 12 something in the AM.
I saw him in a black body bag..the ones that we always see on TV.
I never thought that I will see Hilmi in one.
I slowly opened the bag...he was just serene laying there.
My dearest Hilmi...but only this time...it was only his body.
His soul no longer here.
He lay there motionless..his eyes closed.
This was the first time that I had been able to see him...to be by his side.
There was not really much blood except for the wound by his head.
He looked so peaceful. Just like as he was asleep.

I held his hands. It was still warm.
Holding his hands, I felt right at home..warm and comforting.
I kissed his hands for the last time.
I regret that I didn't salam him when I sent him off earlier.
I just thought that he would be back soon.

I wasn't there by his side when he took his last breath.
I couldn't imagine how he felt at that time.
I wished that I could have somehow help him relieve the pain or just be there for him.
I wished that I could be there but I guess Allah knows best.
Maybe I wouldn't be as strong if I was...who knows.

In that room, I held his hands and felt like not wanting to let go...of his hands..of him..and of leaving that room.
But somehow I managed to move and continue on for that night.
Later that night/early morning...I got called back to help mandikan jenazah for the siraman terakhir.
He was still sleeping..peaceful as a baby all cleaned up with his lips smiling..just like when he got out of the shower...all wet and not dried properly.
I saw him dikafankan..my mom was by my side throughout the whole process.
Tears were flowing as I watched the whole procedure.
I remember holding my mom's hand ever so tightly.
Din and Ilyas were also there.
They had mandikan and siapkan Abah before that and now it was Hilmi's turn.
It all happened so quick...in a few hours I will never see him again in this dunya.
I kissed him goodbye.
He wasn't as warm as before.
He was a bit cold.
It was a sad affair.
I cried.
Never did I imagine that I would see my husband dikafankan.
Only God knows how I felt then, It didn't feel real...like it was just a dream.
A really bad dream. I wish that I had waken up from that dream but indeed it was all real.
By the time Hilmi selamat dikafankan...someone's phone blasted out the Azan...it was Subuh by then.
In the bilik jenazah...seeing my husband all wrapped up in white...never going to see him again in this world...
It was all so syahdu.
I can't describe the feeling.
It's a memory that I don't intend to forget forever.

I missed him :(
He was my BFF.
My partner in crime.
He knew me too well.
He knew me better than I know myself.
I didn't have to pretend I was someone else when with him.
We shared so much together. Joys..sorrows. The bickering..the make ups.
When the world was against me, I had him by my side.
My knight in shining armour.
He was my first relationship. He was my first love.
Now, he became my first heartbreak.
But indeed Allah knows best.
To Him we shall all return.
This life is in dunya is just short and temporary.

You were the perfect husband.
You were the perfect father.
Allah loves you more.
But Alhamdulillah..I am very grateful for getting the chance to know you, to be a part in your life and you in mine's.
I would never trade it for anything else.
The things that you taught me.
The things that you made me see.
Even though we don't see eye to eye at times...you complement me in every way possible.

I miss you H.
I will always love you.
You are a part of me and will always be in my heart.
I hope you are doing fine over there.
MashaaAllah, the many people that turned up during the solah jenazah and the prayers that we received were overwhelming..may Allah accept them and bless them all.

May you find peace over there Hilmi.
May Allah bless you and have mercy on your soul.
May we be reunited and find each other in Jannah in shaa Allah.
I love you H. Always have. And always will.

Al-fatihah to my arwah husband, father-in-law and mother-in-law who lost their lives in the accident on that fateful day of April 17th, 2015...
Allahyarham Ahmad Zulhilmi Assanah
Allahyarham Assanah Mohd Mydin
Allahyarhamah Zalehar Omar

May your souls be shaded by His mercy.

Ameen.
Al-fatihah.

Of happier times (early 2015). Hilmi was wearing his purple shirt on the day he passed away. My fave shirt. Al-fatihah.

Of coping~

Tomorrow will be Aqil's 5th birthday. Alhamdulillah he has grown up to be a great boy. It was my birthday a few days back. I think it was one my saddest birthdays. To be frank..I dont know whether to feel sad because you are no longer here H, or because I should feel grateful that I'm blessed by Allah to reach the 30 year old mark. In short it was a mix of emotions. I wished you were there on that day by my side. I wish you are here now.

Today, Aqil had his follow up appointment. Alhamdulillah the doctor said that he can remove his cast in 2 weeks time. I dont know why, but everytime I go for the kids follow up I feel sad. Usually you will teman me for these appointments. And the thought that why I was there saddens me so much. But fret not dear H, I am strong for the kids..I hope. Luckily I had Abah to teman me. Its not the same though having you with us like always :(

After the appointment, I went to TTDI's Maxis Center to terminate your account and settle the outstanding bill. A part of me dont want to close your account but then the bill will keep on going. Your phone was no where to be found since the accident. I tried calling you many times but all I got was voice mail. Maybe it got lost/broken during the incident. I still call you, you know. It feels good to see your face up on my recent calls. Just like old times. I also still message you from time to time when I miss you most or when I need to rant out. Just like old times. Like usual, I wouldnt get much response from you. You were not the texting type but more of the calling type. I miss you dearly H. Thats why I was kind of emotional to terminate your Maxis account. I still want or I guess need to call/text you. Once your account has been terminated, someone else might get to use your number. Huhu.

Writing to you in a way helps me to be a bit stronger. Its like you're there and its ok. Or the fact that I'm staying strong for you. I dont want you to get sad or anything like that. You always taught me to be happy and live life positively. You always reminded me to not be sad and be optimistic when you were here. I learnt a lot from you H. I hope I can remember and practice that in the future.

You were the perfect husband that I could ever asked for. Of course back then I know I always complained..I thought I wanted much more out of you. I wanted you to be more romantic lalala. But it seems that what I had was enough. More than enough. But its too late now. I regret that. I took you for granted. I failed to see the love that you showered us through your actions. You always said that kan? I je yang tak faham2. Its true like what they always say..'You'll truly miss someone when they are truly gone'. :(

You were great with the kids. Ever so patient in dealing with them. You played with them when I was too tired to layan them. You became their best friend. The best dad that they could ever ask for. I hope they still can remember the good times they had with you H. They are still so young. Abang knows that you are gone. He understands. I dont think he has ever cried because of you gone. He is such a brave and big boy. Memang 'Abang'. He misses you dearly and he loves you. But I've never seen him cry. I hope he's ok. I know he loves you so much. You yang selalu bangun malam2 buatkan susu for him and check and tukar his nappy malam2. You tak kisah pon. You did it like you enjoyed it. Thats what I loved about you H. Always ever so positive. Everyday..I always remind him to bacakan the Fatihah and pray for you, Tokbah and Tokma as well. Alhamdulillah he's been doing it everyday. Hope its something for you over there H.

Adil on the hand seems to not understand what is going on. He's asked about you before. I told him you were with Allah. Because I know he doesnt understand the dying/gone forever part. He acts that you with Allah, is like you are at some place and that you will be coming back at some point. At one time tu I asked 'Adik..Abah dekat mana?' Dia cakap "Abah kan dekat Allah. Alaaa..Adik nak ikut Abah." Macam you pegi OU/7e je yang dia nak ikut2. I tried to make him understand but dia tak faham concept lagi. At one time tu he saw me crying and he asked me why. I said 'Mama rindu Abah.' And then he said 'Abah kan dengan Allah. Nanti Abah dah sihat Abah balik lah.' Dengan nada ceria2 dia bercerita tu. Lagi la I nangis dengar dia cakap mcmtu. He's too small to understand. I tanya 'Adik rindu Abah?' Dia jawab 'Rindu!'. Oh Adik. Why are you so innocent.

I've been rambling a lot. My post ni takde tujuan but to ramble. All these details in life I selalu lupa. So I guess its good to have it recorded like this. Whenever rindu, I'll read up my own blog. Post ni dah jadi mcm letter to you pulak. Huhu.

I love you H. Forever and always. There's always a place for you inside my heart. Hope you are ok over there. I always pray for you H. Eventhough I just knew you for less than 7 years..you have impacted me in such a huge way possible. Father to both of my kids. The love of my life. I miss you and will constantly pray the best for you..inshaaAllah.

Al-fatihah.

Abah and Adil at Satay Satay, OU (2014)

Of legacies and what not

It's been nearly one and a half years since I last wrote here.

So much has been going on and I don't think I can update everything here. Gone were my blogging days. I rarely read blogs now. Hurmm..I wonder why. Some people say that people blog when they don't have anything to do. Real people 'Live' and not blog..or something like that. But I like to blog...because I've a very bad memory and it's good to be reminded of yourself way back when.

Anyway, I have been re-reading my posts from this blog and felt a familiar pang. The blog post struck a chord deep inside me..it's like Hey..I've felt this before or I know this feeling and Hey, I can relate or Hey, I know this girl..haha. When all in all, it is actually me and how I was and how I felt and what I had been going through at that time. Sometimes, it feels so alien-like, because the 'you' now is different from the 'you' back then..it's like you yourself doubt was that really you earlier on. Was that how I felt? Was that how I saw things? It feels so alien-like. Hehehe.

Oh well, I guess sometimes time changes you and how you perceive things. Sometimes you change without realizing. Sometimes you forgot of how you were back then...of the goals you had of your values you had..of your stand and how you see the world. Sometimes time changes it all. Sometimes growing up changes it all. Being young back then, you feel ever so optimistic. Like the world is your oyster. However, as you grow older...some of the zest in life starts to disappear. You become tired with the growing up and the things associating it with. You sometimes become so sucked up in living sometimes it clouds what is actually important. It's good to be reminded and step back for a while to refocus on what is important. A favourite line from my sister's blog "A step back..for 2 steps forward..". Hi Angs..I read your blog you know :p It's good to sometimes take a step back and reflect what you're doing before moving forward. Just so that you know that you're going in the right direction..hihi.

People around me freak out that they're turning 30 this year. To me, 30 is just a number. Of course I would rather be 20 this year rather than 30..LOL. I guess by rather being 20 it justs give you more time rather than if you're 30. I'm still not prepared. I have so much to do..to improve on. Now I get it when people say that Masa itu Emas or Time is Golden. Even the Quran has al-Asr. Because without time, we would be nothing except for the deeds that we do.

Of course, we are only human. We get distracted with life easily..with this..with that. I know I do :( This clouds the ultimate goal in life. I just hope that I can get through all this in one piece and ace this test if not with flying colours but just even a passing mark will do. Huhu.

It's terrifying to think of death. Of what comes after...the hereafter. I read a post on facebook where they did a good analogy on life hereafter. 2 babies were in the womb of their mother living contently. One baby asks the other on whether they believe life after delivery. The baby believes that there will be another life waiting for them after delivery, a life where they can walk, eat, see and use other senses which they can't understand now. While the other baby was sceptical, saying that it was nonsense and there is no life after delivery. It will all end there. He questioned why no one returned and never came back from there and that delivery is the end of life. He scoffed at the baby who believes that they will meet 'Mother' after delivery. The sceptical baby said if there is a 'Mother' why can't we see her and why she isn't around. The believer baby then mentioned that you can feel 'Mother' and 'hear' her when in you're in silence and you focus and you really listen, you can feel her presence. Some non-muslim made this up but I guess you can take the gist of it.

So anyway, I have been rambling. I just wonder how I will be remembered when I'm no longer here. How will my family remember me as? How will my children remember me as? Huhu. Hopefully they will have fond memories and remember the good things. Another reason to stay centered and not to be led astray..the legacy that you will leave. Maybe I don't have a multi-billion empire to leave by but I hope I will leave more than that to the ones that matters. In shaa Allah. Hopefully this blog will also serve as purpose for that, people will see me of who I am..of who I was and also serve as a reminder to myself to focus on what is really important. O Allah..please give me strength..the will power..the endurance to go through this life. Please keep me close and don't let me astray. Amin~

Was initially trying to make this post light but I guess it's some deep stuff here. Lol. Oh well. Take care peeps. Until we meet again. God bless!