Bidadari Sayang

Bidadari sayang.

His first term of endearment for me.
I miss you calling me that.

There were others..my favourite was "baby girl" but "bidadari sayang" has a special place in my heart because it was the first one.

Bidadari sayang.
You used to use it profoundly during our early years of marriage.
You used to use it extensively when texting...punya lah panjang nak type. Hehe.
Later in the years, not so much..but I don't mind.
That term of endearment brings an uncomfortable feeling inside me.
A part of me don't like that the term but a part of me macam terharu that you acknowledged me highly as such. Konfiusss..haha.
But now, how I wish to hear you calling me that once more.

I always felt that the term was so mushy.."jiwang".
I don't feel like a bidadari at all.
But you kept using it..so I just layankan jela.
I don't know what to call you back...so last-last entah mcm mana it got stuck to calling you "sayang". Ok. Acceptable for me.
Nak cakap/panggil "sayang" pon I rasa mushy...yela..kan konon rock chick dulu..hahah.
But i called you "Sayang" once in a while..not everytime. It got stuck until the last day I was with you. Whenever I need comfort or nak meluahkan perasaan or bermanja-manja or nak ask for something I'll call you "sayang".
But I never referred myself as "Bidadari sayang".
I tak tau kenapa. Never felt comfortable claiming that title kot.

You were indeed my "sayang".
My love.
Love you dearly Sayang.

I hope later that I can be your bidadari in jannah. InshaaAllah. If Allah wills it.
I pray everytime so that we can meet again. Aamin.

Missing you dearly sayang.
So confused of the decisions that I have to make alone right now.
I know I am not a good decision maker.
Always so fickle minded.
I always asked your opinion on any big decisions that I have to make.
I like talking things through with you so that I can make a better decision.
Thats how my thought process goes.
Sometimes I'll ask you and most of the time I'll disregard your opinion.
"Baik you tak payah tanya I kalau macam tu..you dah tau apa you nak" you always said jokingly.
Hehe. Sorry sayang. But I need reassurance from you.
You were always so grounded.
You were my rock.
If I made any bad decisions...I'll know you'll always have my back.
But I don't have my rock with me anymore :(
No one that makes me feel that way anymore.

But I always ingat kata-kata you "Always take responsibility for your actions."
You dah decide tu..so if anything happens kena own up and take responsibility.
If all doesn't work out find a way to fix it.

Huhu. I miss you.
You were ever so confident.
So sure of yourself.
Always know what you wanted.
I wish I was more like you.

Miss you sayang.
Forever and always.

Love,
Your bidadari.
Bidadari sayang.

Pic from Aug/Sept 2009. About a month being a Mr&Mrs.

Of struggles and of family~

Its been a while. There have been the good days and then there's the bad days. InshaaAllah with His mercy He will guide me through it. I've been following or going through FB pages/instagram/tumblr of inspiring Islamic quotes daily in the hopes of finding something to sooth my pain. There are some that really touched my heart and the message really does come across. Like it was meant for me or that I can really relate to. Sometimes I share them on FB in the hopes that someone reading them will get the same affect on me. I'm not one to share things/posts on FB but once you go through something like this..you dont care..you just hope people will find solace from it and will feel better about themselves. Sharing is caring right. May we all benefit from it all.

With all that has happened..I think I am changing bit by bit. If not by a whole lot..but maybe a little bit. I try to observe more of my relationship towards Allah which wasn't as strong as I would have liked it before. People say that everything that happens is a blessing in disguise. InshaaAllah with this chapter in my life..I hope that it will bring me closer to Allah. It would have been sweeter if H was there along the way. But who am I to question His plan for I am just a teeny weeny weakling. I really hope that I am able to change for the better and that He will help me get through the bad days. Sometimes I just feel lonely but I know I shouldn't feel like that because I have my family to be thankful for, the kids and I have Him to confide into. But sometimes the heart just 'misses'.. Thank you Allah for the love that you have blessed upon us. Thank you for letting me taste the sweetness of love from Hilmi.

Being around family helps. Being around your family helps too, H. Sometimes it feels like you, Mama and Abah are just with us when we spend time or get together..just like old times. I miss that a lot. Being with them always reminded me of you and its a good thing. I like it when things/people reminded me of you :) Eventhough my eyes might tear up a bit I'm thankful to still be reminded of the memories and how people/things were connected to you.

Birthday Dalila (March 2015)

Sometimes I feel that I can get through it all but at times I'm not. Its ever changing. Penat. Emotionally tiring. Huhu. I was all positive starting this post but now my eyes are watery typing about all this. Huhu.

I just hope you are doing well over there H. I pray for your well being whenever I can. I would gladly sacrifice not having you by my side in the hopes of you getting His mercy over there. Wait for me H. InshaaAllah we will meet again. Would love to see you smile, your laughter and everything about you. Missing you dearly.

The sheikh from our recent tafseer class shared.."Believe in Him, rely on Him...tawakkal to Allah". Betul-betul kena at the right time I needed to hear it. InshaaAllah. Please make my heart steadfast...be still my heart..stay calm..do not quiver...Allah is here.

Of Adapting~

This Ramadhan has been a testing month. Not because of the fasting or the traffic or anything like that. But its the feeling I get during this month. I don't know why. I feel more emotional. I reminisce a lot during this month. The things that I took for granted. You. Even the simple things in life.

Before I was married, I consider myself to be an independent person. Being the eldest and all, I'd like to think myself as independent. Back then I drove myself everywhere usually alone. I didn't seem to think that it was troublesome back then. After being married, you were the one that drove me everywhere. You were my personal driver. My chauffeur. My suami. Our office merely 5 minutes away saw us going to and back from work together. I got used to you driving me around and me being the Ma'am Besar. I guess I took that for granted. I know I took that for granted eventhough at times I relay my appreciation towards you driving me around. We used to joke around and say "Bertuah I ada suami/isteri macam you. Alhamdulillah~" whenever we want to voice out our thanks/appreciation for the other.

Yesterday, I was craving for Puteri's tauhu kuah kacang and kuih lopes. Thought I would drop by after work. But knowing TTDI during Ramadhan and bazaar nya lagi..parking was a nightmare. I didn't manage to get my tauhu. I used to remember last year or at times like these when parking was difficult you would just drop me off, then you would circle around looking for a parking/standing spot and then once I'm done you would fetch me. At that time I took all of this for granted. I never thought much of it. Until now :( Wish you were here.

Last year during Ramadhan, you would fetch me at my office at 4.30pm. Then we would go to TTDI's bazaar, fetch the kids and go back home. Now, everyday I pass by that bazaar..see the throngs of people and reminisced on what once was. Huhu. Bukannya I miss the bazaar but the time that I get to spend with you going to the bazaar. It was a fun occasion. Missing you dearly H.

Then there's living with my family. I love them dearly but since being married with you I was treated like a princess and I never even knew it. You put me/my needs above yours. Back then I never thought much about it. I thought.."ooh..suami memang kena buat mcmtu kot." But now I know how much you loved me. How much you loved us. Thank you sayang for being the best husband and abah to the kids. I'm so grateful to have had a husband like you and to get to feel the love from you. There are some less unfortunate that do not get to feel this kind of love. May Allah shower them with His love. 

You loved me without judgement. Eventhough you judge, I tak terasa sangat because I knew that was just you teasing. Like the other day, I'm a picky eater...my family knows that..you know that..most people close knows that. But my family - God bless them, I know they have good intentions and all..but they judge me and say something like 'You ni..boleh ke jangan choose makanan? Belajar lah makan itu lalala." Its actually a normal thing and I know its for my own good but I dunno why I terasa at that time. Call it PMS. Duh! Back then, whenever, I get that line I would just ignore it and take it in like a pinch of salt. It didn't matter what they say because I know I always had you. If I say the same thing to you, you would never judge. You would just layan me and accept me for who I am. Picky eater or not. You would love me for who I am and did not try to change me. Eventhough it was not always the case..but usually the other way round. I always wanted to try and change some part of you..hihihi. But that's another story altogether.

Sometimes, it's just really sad. I no longer have someone to have my back. Whom I can always be honest 100% to. Whom I can always be myself 100% to. I miss you. I miss the way how you treat me. I miss the way how you make me feel. I miss all of you. Your body..your heart..your soul.

Ya Allah..please make me strong to go through this test of yours. Make me come out a better person through it all. Guide me to the right way. Ya Allah..please bless us all and grant us your mercy. 

Thank you Allah for lending H to us all this time. 

Al-fatihah to Allahyarham Ahmad Zulhilmi Assanah (Nov 1984 - April 2015)

Love you till Jannah~

I know its cliche, but now I truly get the meaning of 'love you till Jannah'. May you be at peace over there H. May we meet again...see you soon..inshaaAllah.

Night and day, I still feel you are close to me

And I remember you in every prayer that I make

Every single day may you be shaded by His mercy

But life is not the same, and it will never be the same

But I'm so thankful for every moment I shared with you

Cause I know this life is not forever

Of trying to move on~

Assalamualaikum Hilmi. I hope you are fine and resting in peace over there. Its the 4th day of Ramadhan 1436H. My first Ramadhan without you. We met and went out for the first time 7 Ramadhan's ago. Iftar and Tarawih.

Its my first night here in the house since the accident. Its been 2 months now. Its not the same. It doesn't feel like home anymore. It didn't feel like this when I came over 2 weeks ago to get some things from the house. I dunno why it feels different now.

I guess because I already have another routine back in Bangi? Going to work, the commute, the routine so maybe this routine that I am so accustomed to now feels 'weird'? I dunno :(

I came across a letter that I found about while looking through your stuff. It amazes me that I found the letter at the perfect time. I got the feeling that it was meant to be found. It's like Allah guided me to look through your other bag and find it. Mashaa Allah...He and His powers. I didn't even know you had the letter made. Usually I know all these sort of things. This time I didn't..but Allah designed it so perfectly so that I would find it. If I hadn't gone for this sleepover I wouldn't have the time to go through your old stuff here in the room, then I wouldn't have found it. Even later if I did, it would all be too late. Mashaa Allah..He has plans that only He knows the extent of it. And then, that letter dated Oct 2014, about 6 months ago..its like you know and you were getting prepared for whats to come. Ya Allah. It gives me the shivers to think of His power and knowledge.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My first night sleeping in the room without you. It felt different. I felt hollow inside. Sometimes I try to picture you on your side of the bed. I picture you walking about in the room. But then all is left are the memories that we had.

This house also feels empty. It feels incomplete. 3 of its residents no longer here. Adil asked where was Tok Bah. He asked if Tok Bah was upstairs like where he used to be. I didn't expect that from Adil. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he forgot. I had to explain again where Tok Bah was in a completely fake calm serene voice. Oh Adil~

We did solat berjemaah together dinner. Just like old times. This time Din was the imam. Previously it was Abah or if he was not around it would be you. I don't think I pernah solat and Din was the imam. Selalu ikut ranking seniority and you were the abang.

The one thing I miss most since you were not around is having an imam. You were my imam back then. We would try to pray together whenever we could. Its a trait/habit that I admire from your family's side. Always perfoming solah berjemaah. As for us, we would usually pray together during the weekends or for Isha' when the kids were asleep. I miss those moments. Baca doa lepas solat together. You suka baca doa and zikir panjang sampai I ngantuk. Huhu. I miss those times on the prayer mat. It all started masa I pregnant, I sakit belakang so you asked me to baring on your lap. You continued on while tepuk-tepuk I like a baby. It was so comforting. I felt so safe..so at home. And somehow it continued on whenever I penat..I will lay my head on your head sambil bertelekung and berzikir. I miss those days. Those moments. I miss you. Everytime I finish solat, I'll think of you. I'll think of those moments that we had together.

But all these nikmats hanya pinjaman Allah. Alhamdulillah for all the blessings that you have showered upon us. We put our heart out for the dunya when in fact we should have our heart set for Allah. Ya Allah..please forgive us, have mercy on us and guide us to the right path. Inshaa Allah.

Of continuing....

Today is the first day I'm back at the office after so long. After 7 weeks. Someone even thought that I had resigned. Pffttt~

It feels weird. Coming back to my normal routine. It feels normal...at the same time it doesn't.

The things that we used to do..no longer. I missed those moments.

Waking up. Getting ready. You driving us. You dropping me at work. Parking at our usual spot while I kiss and wave all my 3 boys goodbye. You continue on sending the kids off to school. I would go about my morning. At around noon I'll be texting you asking you what's for lunch. I always ask yet you always ask me back. I always get first pick. You pamper me as such. I loved that. That's why I loved having lunch with you. It was also another time for us to have our alone time..without the kids..just us two. Everyday is date day. Yeayy! Except for some days when work gets in the way. But mostly we'll have lunch together. Our time to reconnect...even for an hour. I miss those times. Just simple pleasures but it meant a lot to me. I always thank you after..for taking me out for lunch. A happy tummy and a happier me. You always know how to make me happy.

Then we would go about our afternoon at work. Later in the evening, you would pick up the kids and then pick me up. My boys will be patiently waiting for me to finish work to head home. It was a welcoming sight to get in the car with my favourite boys. Now my boys are short by one :(

After, we would decide on where to have dinner..depending on the traffic. Lately, before you left we were avid dwellers of The Curve and OU. The kids most favourite places to go. It was easy to make them happy. You pon ok je nak layan diorang. I feel a pang of nostalgia whenever I set my eyes upon our regular places. I passed by Popular today and glanced at the magazine section. You always used to be there..waiting for me. Today..it was empty. No you...with your smile..with the way you hold the magazine to read it. I miss that. I miss your face. Running my hand through your hair. Holding your hands and feeling the warmth and that it moulds so perfectly into mines. I always feel safe walking next to you. My own personal bodyguard. I miss you. Your heart...your soul. I miss all of you T_T

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to put a brave front. People at work ask how I am. I don't have an answer but to just to tell them I'm ok..I'm doing fine. People would never know how I feel. Only He does.

I'm being emotional because its my first day back at work. The feeling that it's the same..but it's not.

I hope I'll be doing OK. I hope we'll be doing OK. My only fear is that I start to forget. I don't want to  ever forget. I want to remember all the tiny details if possible. But I am only human. I pray everyday that I would never forget. I will hold the memories that we had and cherish them for as long as I can. I love you H. I miss you so much. You were such a great husband. The greatest dad that the kids could ask for. I hope our love will stay strong till jannah. I'll keep on praying for you. I'll keep on remembering you. Love you sayang. Always have. Always will. Suamiku. Al-fatihah.

From my seat..glancing left I can see your workplace. This place...the memories :( May you rest in peace sayang.

Of Leaving :(

17th April 2015 will always be a date that I'd never forget.

It started out as a normal Friday morning.

Us waking up.

Getting ready for work.

Going to work.

Busy at work.
Texted dear hubby saying that I couldn't have our daily lunch together.

Hubby was ok since he had Friday prayers anyways.
He always had to rush whenever we have our  Friday lunches.
Didn't get my weekly dose of Jambu depan masjid.
He almost always buys me jambu when we have our Friday lunches.
He'll go "I ada hadiah untuk you...u nak tak? Nah untuk you" while handing me the RM2 worth of cool jambu batu.
Ingatkan hadiah apa lah.
Its not a bouquet of flowers but even simple acts like that easily brings a smile to myself.
He was such a sweetheart like that...siapa yang tak cair :)

That day I went off for lunch a bit late because I wanted to finish off some work.
Had no cash so had to withdraw some at the ATM first.

Tried to withdraw RM200 from the ATM downstairs but no money came out.
I thought it was a glitch so I tried again but the RM200 still didn't come out.
The ATM didn't dispense the money and took my RM400.
Felt so annoyed at myself for trying the 2nd time around on the same machine.
Selalu I am always careful on things like that but on that day I was not.
So then, had to spend the next 30mins calling customer service to make a report while eating lunch by myself at Warung.
I had the usual - nasi tumpang and teh o panas.

Tried calling hubby during eating to vent out and seek comfort of my so called 'tragedy' but he didn't pick up the call. He had Ta'lim at the office around that time so I guess he was preoccupied.

After lunch, back in the office, I noticed that both my blouse's arms were ripped.
The inseam somehow tertetas. Luckily I had some safety pins.
It was a new blouse, never worn and washed once.
Dunno how that could have happened, I think it was the material.
Thank God I noticed early or else my arms would have been exposed.

Another setback for the day :(

Around 6pm hubby called saying that he's already downstairs with the kids.
I sempat mengadu sikit of my bad day to him and he promised me a hug later.

I got off work a bit late that evening.
It was a stressful period at work during that time and I wanted to settle as much before the weekends.
Wanted to have a clear conscience so that I could enjoy my weekend with the family.
Dear hubby was already patiently waiting with the kids in the car at our usual spot.

Usually, we would stop by OU/The Curve on Friday's to avoid the Friday traffic but since the parents-in-laws just came back from KK from their week long trip, we decided to go straight back to meet them.
Traffic was quite ok that day.
We reached home just before Maghrib.

At home, after praying Maghrib we managed to talk for a couple of minutes about our day.
Told dear hubby again of my crappy day and case of unfortunate events.
Got a big bear hug from him. My last hug. Our last hug :(
He said "Its ok..I kan ada." while hugging me.
His usual comforting line.
I know he sees my problem as not a big deal at all, I know it's not a big deal but having him by my side and hearing him say that he's there, all the stress seemed to go away.
Hilmi had that effect on me..hearing him supporting me and always having my back..everything felt like it was going to be ok.
Never in my mind could I imagine what we were in for later that night.

Met the parent-in-laws and sempat salam for the final time.
Haven't met them for a week since they had a biz trip in KK.
Kaklong and kids were also there to sleep over for the weekends.
They decided to go to Din's (my bro in law's house which was about 10mins away) to see the new addition of the family, 3 day old baby Rania.
We had already visited them at the hospital but the kids wanted to go again with their cousins so Hilmi decided to follow to help take care of the kids.
I didn't feel like going as I had a long week and crappy day and all I wanted to do was to just stay in and chill.
Hilmi was ok with me staying.
"You rehat lah" he said.
I love him for understanding me and always have my best interest at heart.
He was such a good husband. Understanding and always patient.

Before going to Din's, hubby helped to do the kids laundry and he said that he'll help to hang them out later once they got back. But I guess he never did get back :(

That was mostly his 'thing'... putting the clothes in the wash and hanging out the laundry.
He used to say that he's quite good at it so it became his chore whenever I needed his help with it.
He's always helpful around the house like that.
But of course he has certain domains that he claims he's good at - in this case his 'thing' would be doing the laundry, washing the dishes and taking out the trash.
I was always so grateful for his help.
Always eager to try and learn.
I hope he knows then how I truly appreciate his help and of him.

At around 8:15pm, I saw them off.

The Merc was still in the workshop for service so they went by Dalila's (my sister in law's) car.
I waved hubby and the rest from the door.

Saw the car drove away and thought nothing much out of it.

I went back to my peaceful Friday night.
Cooked Maggi for one for dinner..teringin as I haven't had Maggi for a while.

Browsed at what movie to watch during dinner.
Game Of Thrones have just finished downloading.
I had already set a date with hubby to watch it together later that night.
Our usual Friday night routine - watching a movie or series together.

A few minutes into my bowl of maggi I got a call from Kaklong.

That was around 9.50pm.
Ever so calmly, she said that they were all involved in an accident at the Mee Ketam place just a few minutes away.
I thought it was just a regular accident..a bump maybe on the car.
I thought maybe she called for me to pickup the kids so that the adults can handle things.
I never imagined it to be this worse.
It struck me the seriousness of the accident when Kak Long then later said that they were starting to tell them to mengucap (say the Syahadah).
I quickly got dressed to go out while calling my mom to mention what had happened.
My voice was all quivering then.

I arrived at the scene less than 5 minutes later with Dalila by my side who was also at home at that time.
I saw the car, it was in a terrible state.
I saw my father in law first.
Then my mother in law.
Then my husband.
Passers by had removed them from the crash site.
They were all lying on the ground.

As I walked nearer, I saw my father in law not moving.
My mother in law was hurt but I saw her moving a bit.
Din and some other people were near her.
And then....I saw Hilmi.
I stopped in my tracks.
I guess I was in shock.
He was all alone farther from the rest.
I saw his face...his eyes were shut but he seemed ok.
Maybe he was hurt...I thought.
He wasn't moving.
He had a gash near the side of his head near his eye..it looked minor..not fatal to me.

I was going to walk to him but then some people stopped me in my tracks.
And then seconds later I saw someone put a kain pelikat over his head/body.
And then I knew.
I knew that he was no longer here with us.
Time seemed to stopped still at that time.
My heart was pounding.
But I dare not watch to confirm further.
Deep down I knew what I saw and knew what it meant.

I didn't know how to react.
I didn't know how I could be so calm.
I expected myself to go to him and be by his side.
But I did not.
Part of me was afraid and was in denial.
If I go to him then I would have to accept what was deep down in my gut.
But then I realized that I was too late.
I could not do anything to help by being there by his side.
However, a part of me still regret not going to him back then on that night.

I quickly realized that I still had my kids to look out for.
I had something else to focus on.
I briefly scanned the rest of the place.
Saw Kak Long sitting nearby with her kids.
They seemed ok and that she had them under control.
Then I looked for both my boys.
Adil was on a passerby's lap while Aqil was perched on someone's motor.
Alhamdulillah they seemed ok.
Adil complained of pain in his tummy area while Aqil in between sobs complained that he couldn't move his legs as that they were hurting real bad.
I knew Aqil was really hurting as I never saw him that way before.

Thankfully 2 kind nurses still in their nurses uniform were on their way back home from hospital.
They were amongst the first to reach the scene and kind of evaluated everyone.
They offered to take me, Aqil and Adil to the nearest hospital - Hospital Sungai Buloh.
In the car which seemed like a loooongg 15 minutes ride, while comforting the kids that its all going to be alright, I calmly asked the nurses about hubby.
I think I asked them 'Suami saya dah meninggal ke kak?'
I can't remember what their response was.
I think they said 'Tak pasti la dik..nanti kita tengok macam mana'.
I think they knew but didn't want to tell me and wanted me to say strong and not react or panic.
But deep down I think I knew what I just saw back then.
I just wanted confirmation.
I guess if I really thought that he was still alive then I wouldn't have left the scene that early.

It all happened all too quickly.
Arriving at the hospital, Aqil was out in the Red Zone Emergency while Adil was in the Yellow Zone.
I don't know how long I was there before the rest came by ambulance.
All I knew was that I feared for Aqil's injury hoping that it would not be too serious.

It was a long night in the ED.
When I finally met Kak Long later, she said that "Husna, Kaklong nak bagi tau ni. Abah and Hilmi dah takde. Diorang dah bawa pegi forensics."
I guess she wanted to officially tell me.
I was as calm as I could be.
In a way I guess I already knew because of what I saw at the scene.
I was just then trying to get my mind to focus on the kids.
Then I got news about my  mother in law - she didn't make it as well.
Innalillah..Allah took our 3 loved ones at once that night.
To Him we belong and to Him we shall return.

In between going back and forth through Red and Yellow zones to check up on Aqil and Adil, I managed to see Hilmi for the last time before they did the post mortem.
It was around 12 something in the AM.
I saw him in a black body bag..the ones that we always see on TV.
I never thought that I will see Hilmi in one.
I slowly opened the bag...he was just serene laying there.
My dearest Hilmi...but only this time...it was only his body.
His soul no longer here.
He lay there motionless..his eyes closed.
This was the first time that I had been able to see him...to be by his side.
There was not really much blood except for the wound by his head.
He looked so peaceful. Just like as he was asleep.

I held his hands. It was still warm.
Holding his hands, I felt right at home..warm and comforting.
I kissed his hands for the last time.
I regret that I didn't salam him when I sent him off earlier.
I just thought that he would be back soon.

I wasn't there by his side when he took his last breath.
I couldn't imagine how he felt at that time.
I wished that I could have somehow help him relieve the pain or just be there for him.
I wished that I could be there but I guess Allah knows best.
Maybe I wouldn't be as strong if I was...who knows.

In that room, I held his hands and felt like not wanting to let go...of his hands..of him..and of leaving that room.
But somehow I managed to move and continue on for that night.
Later that night/early morning...I got called back to help mandikan jenazah for the siraman terakhir.
He was still sleeping..peaceful as a baby all cleaned up with his lips smiling..just like when he got out of the shower...all wet and not dried properly.
I saw him dikafankan..my mom was by my side throughout the whole process.
Tears were flowing as I watched the whole procedure.
I remember holding my mom's hand ever so tightly.
Din and Ilyas were also there.
They had mandikan and siapkan Abah before that and now it was Hilmi's turn.
It all happened so quick...in a few hours I will never see him again in this dunya.
I kissed him goodbye.
He wasn't as warm as before.
He was a bit cold.
It was a sad affair.
I cried.
Never did I imagine that I would see my husband dikafankan.
Only God knows how I felt then, It didn't feel real...like it was just a dream.
A really bad dream. I wish that I had waken up from that dream but indeed it was all real.
By the time Hilmi selamat dikafankan...someone's phone blasted out the Azan...it was Subuh by then.
In the bilik jenazah...seeing my husband all wrapped up in white...never going to see him again in this world...
It was all so syahdu.
I can't describe the feeling.
It's a memory that I don't intend to forget forever.

I missed him :(
He was my BFF.
My partner in crime.
He knew me too well.
He knew me better than I know myself.
I didn't have to pretend I was someone else when with him.
We shared so much together. Joys..sorrows. The bickering..the make ups.
When the world was against me, I had him by my side.
My knight in shining armour.
He was my first relationship. He was my first love.
Now, he became my first heartbreak.
But indeed Allah knows best.
To Him we shall all return.
This life is in dunya is just short and temporary.

You were the perfect husband.
You were the perfect father.
Allah loves you more.
But Alhamdulillah..I am very grateful for getting the chance to know you, to be a part in your life and you in mine's.
I would never trade it for anything else.
The things that you taught me.
The things that you made me see.
Even though we don't see eye to eye at times...you complement me in every way possible.

I miss you H.
I will always love you.
You are a part of me and will always be in my heart.
I hope you are doing fine over there.
MashaaAllah, the many people that turned up during the solah jenazah and the prayers that we received were overwhelming..may Allah accept them and bless them all.

May you find peace over there Hilmi.
May Allah bless you and have mercy on your soul.
May we be reunited and find each other in Jannah in shaa Allah.
I love you H. Always have. And always will.

Al-fatihah to my arwah husband, father-in-law and mother-in-law who lost their lives in the accident on that fateful day of April 17th, 2015...
Allahyarham Ahmad Zulhilmi Assanah
Allahyarham Assanah Mohd Mydin
Allahyarhamah Zalehar Omar

May your souls be shaded by His mercy.

Ameen.
Al-fatihah.

Of happier times (early 2015). Hilmi was wearing his purple shirt on the day he passed away. My fave shirt. Al-fatihah.

How I Met Your Father (Part 3)

continued .....

After I sent him the email, it took quite a while for him to get back to me. It was Ramadhan by then, and from there things just started to roll in motion. I was still studying. It was my final semester. We started getting to know each other. It was quite low key. Not many knew about what was going on. Faiz knew of course because she was my roommate back in college. I finished uni in November and then started my first job that month. By early 2009 we decided to get married. There was like kind of a merisik ceromony and it was decided that we would tie the knot in July as Angah and Dalila would be back for their summer hols.

All in all, it took me for about a few months only for me to decide that he was the one that was going to be my husband. I was intrigued by his thoughts, his humour, his background and personality that made me consider marriage. It was not all a lovey dovey affair as we have had our disputes back then (and still now :p). There are some things that I don't quite fancy about him but hey..who is perfect right. We all have our flaws. Alhamdulillah, the good things about him overshadows his flaws. I also love the way how he made (and still makes) me feel :P

Love you H~

As this was my first relationship ever, he was very patient with me. Bila I merajuk he pujuk. When I expect something from him but die macam buat tak tau je and then I got upset he would calm me down. To think back balek, kelakar je. I have no prior relationship experience what so ever so of coursela I don't what to expect from all of this relationship thingy. Everyone was a bit surprised because I yang tak pernah couple-couple ada boyfriend ni tiba-tiba dah nak kawen dah. I was a bit afraid at first, tak tau if I made the right choice or not by thinking of marriage. I mean hey..it's a BIG step ok. But Alhamdulillah, with lots of doa Allah has made me see clearer to choose the path that I chose back then.

Although we still argue and have our differences...I love you H. Although your flaws sometimes irk me ever so much, sometimes I see that we complement each other in ways that I never thought would work. Indeed Allah has His ways and indeed jodoh itu is in His hands. Who are we to know our jodoh. Alhamdulillah for giving me the perfect husband if not perfect but perfect for me. May our marriage stay strong and lasts till jannah with all the trials and tribulations that have been surrounding us lately InshaAllah. Love you H~

Gambar mude-mudi mase honeymoon :p

So that kids, is how I met your father.   :)

--- THE END ---

How I Met Your Father (Part 2)

continued......

They had a canopy outside their front yard and invited us to sit down and eat. As it was the second house, we arrived quite late and there were not much guests around. Everything pon macam dah nak kemas-kemas.  We got acquainted with Dalila's mom and had small talk for a while. It seemed that my name is the same as Dalila's first sister plus we went to the same uni together. Of course she has graduated by then but then it turns out that all of her family went to UIA. Anyway, as we were talking all of a sudden along came this tall guy who apparently was Dalila's brother. He wore a black shirt and smiled a lot. Quite smart I must say. He came bringing the plates. He invited us to eat and from what I remembered  most was he introduced himself using his full name...as in Ahmad Zulhilmi bin Assanah. Haha. A bit skema as I never met anyone who introduced himself using his fullname like that. Anyway..that was that...only a brief encounter. We got back to eating and my sister and friends got talking as I listened in.

At this time, people were already gathering inside the house to baca Yassin and we were like the only few ones outside. I did a quick sweep and saw the brother inside the house too. Haha. Anyway, after they finished we also excused ourselves. Salam-salam sikit dengan semua orang..tengok baby sikit and then walked back to the car. Dalila walked us to the car and then the brother came along. Die pon nak babai-babai rupenye. Before we got in the car, he asked for my number. Apekah? I don't know how people get people's phone numbers but so direct macam ni ke? Macam kind of sleazy pon ade jugak. So I pon tak layan and tak bagi but he wouldn't give up. Angah and her friends dah pandang-pandang semacam. Eeeee~ So because I wouldn't give him my number he gave me his business card. So I pon took it and just wanted to speed off quickly as I can. So that was that. In the car Angah dah gelak-gelak dah and I was like..."Eeee u ni. Manela I nak bagi number I kat siape-siape macamtu je." Huhu. So then we sent Angah's friend back to Subang and then went back home.

That night...jengjengjeng...I kept on playing the scene petang tadi inside my head. Macam I tak boleh nak get  it out of my head. Dalam hati macam nak bagi je number tapi takkanla nak bagi je macamtu. So while I was rolling around in bed with the laptop in front of me sambil belek-belek his biz card after relating the whole ordeal to Faiz I decided that I would email him. Haha. That was the time that I felt something that was indescribable. Something at the back of my mind that made me want to act because by not doing anything I would know that I would regret it. Like a "Now or Never" feeling you know. Seriously. Why I felt like that pon I don't know. Maybe ini lah yang dikatakan jodoh :p

So anyway, I sent him an email. Reading back the email rasa macam entah apa-apa je. Haha. Here's the attachment where I attached him my so-called-biz-card. Lame I know. Huhu.

To be continued.....

How I Met Your Father (Part 1)

*this is a 3 part mini-series on How I Met Your Father*

Kids (soon to be kidS...right now..I only technically have 1 kid :p)....this is a story of how I met your father. It's in the wee hours of the morning and I feel mushy.

Kids...it was the month of August 2008.

It was nearing Ramadhan and people everywhere were doing kenduri doa selamat to welcome the holy month. Your aunty, Mak Ngah was also preparing to leave for her studies in UK the following month. At that time, her friends were also busy doing kenduri doa selamat's and farewells before they left for their studies. Being the awesome sister that I am, I was appointed to be her driver for the day to get her to her friends houses here and there for their kenduris and farewells and whatnots.

It was a Sunday morning, 31st August 2008 to be exact. Our country was also celebrating Hari Merdeka on that day. I was home for the weekend from college. The first stop that morning was to pick up a few of her friends at Stesen Komuter UKM.

31 August 2008 was the day

You see kids, back then (during my schooldays) the komuter was our mode of transportation. It was the coolest thing back then. Travelling by komuter on your own (without parents) to KL or Midvalley or Mines were considered cool back then. It made you feel grown up. Anyway, we fetched a few of her friends and then headed to the first house in Sungai Merab. I forgot her friends name (dulu ingat but now dah lupe). After dropping them off, I headed to Alamanda to pass the time while waiting for your Mak Ngah.

After they were done, your Aunt called me to pick her up. Some of her friends stayed at Friend No 1's house while some were sent back to the commuter station. So there we were, only 3 person in the car. Your Aunt, her friend Ili and me. The next house they were going to was in Sungai Buloh. Since Ili lives in Subang Jaya, it was decided we will send her after they got back from the 2nd house. I thought I would go to OU after sending them off because it was nearby.

So off we went to the 2nd house. Next destination Sg Buloh. Unfortunately, for those of you who knows Sg Buloh, it is quite big and stretches from 1 end to the other. I thought the house that we were going to was Sg Buoh near to Damansara part, but it seemed that the one we we're going to was more near to the Kuala Selangor part, near Penjara Sg Buloh to be exact. Oh man..there goes my intention to go to OU. Anyway, after asking directions from Mak Ngah's friend's dad and sister we arrived at Desa Moccis via Guthrie Highway. Sg Buloh ni dekat hujung dunia. Huhu. So I thought that I would wait in the car while they went to the kenduri. I figured it wouldn't take that long.

So your Mak Ngah's friend Dalila came to our car to usher them in. I told your Aunt that I'd wait in the car but her friend Dalila insisted I come inside. As I ni pemalu orangnye..I declined her politely. Malu kot nak masuk and join. Besides I wasn't wearing proper kenduri clothes. I was told that the kenduri was for Dalila's farewell cum her dad's and sister's birthday cum her niece's (newborn) doa selamat. Huhu. Later, Dalila's dad came to the car and insisted me to come inside. Dah orang besar yang ajak, so I pon reluctantly got out of the car and followed them.

To be continued ......

And we turn 2!

2 years ago...24/7/2009 I became a wife.

Inshaallah together hingga ke syurga..ameen.

2 years ago..I started sharing my world and my life with my husband. It took some time for me to adjust and to adapt living and letting someone into my life. It has been quite a journey. Full of ups and downs. I just can't believe its been 2 years already. It seemed longer than that. I learned quite a lot along the way..on slowly knowing about my husband's habits, his little quirks, his strengths, his vices, his preferences, his knowledge, his thoughts on life.  Its an ongoing process and I'm still learning~ I've also learned a thing or two about myself too and get an opinion from his point of view and how he (or everyone else) sees something which I sometimes am too emotionally caught up in something to see .

Of course we have had our disagreements and some of them were a bit nasty. I'm not proud of how I handled things. I can be quite hard headed and overly emotional (girls..pfftt~) sometimes while he can be ever so cool. It irks me sometimes to see him ever so calm when I am fuming inside. Haiih. I used to be the calm and collected one, but since I met him, I guess things have turned their way around :p 

All in all..Alhamdulillah I have my husband beside me, who gets me (well most of the time anyway :p), who's made me laugh, made me cry, wiped my tears, hugged me tight, saying everything's going to be alright, watched me succeed, seen me fail, cheered me on, kept me going strong, put up with all my mood swings, keeps me sane, keeps me grounded and overall makes me become a much better person throughout. What more could a girl as for in a husband right? :) I am blessed Alhamdulillah~ 

I'm thankful to be celebrating my anniversary with the guy who still makes me feel giddy :p

Happy 2nd Anniversary Ahmad Zulhilmi Assanah~ :)

Love you~ ♥

My Hubby My BFF

Marriage life sure is tricky. Of course nothing is ever easy peasy lemon squeezy right?.

I've known my husband for almost 3 years now. We've been married for nearly 2. Throughout our marriage he has been my BFF. We've shared soo much together. 

I'm thankful I have him as my husband. Of course there are times when his ways or opinion would drive me crazy...don't get me wrong, he has his quirks and I am not fully 'at peace' with all of them...yet :p But at the end of the day he still is my husband, my BFF and I can't imagine life without him. He calms me when I am mad, he put sense in me when I follow my emotions blindly, he guides me when i feel lost, he lends an ear when I have a bad day, he offers a hug when I need it the most. I guess everyone feels like that about their husbands kan? Heeeee :)

Sometimes I know I can be 'difficult'. Intentionally or unintentionally. I am known to be a bit stubborn sometimes...I like to have my own way. Sometime tu saja mengade-ngade nak perhatian suami. Haha. I'm grateful for having a husband who is patient with all my antics, cares about me,  bears with all my silliness and gedikness, pujuks me when I have an 'episode'. I guess nobody really knows how I really am except those closest to me. It's a miracle when life, jodoh and Allah puts 2 people together, crossed their paths and now sharing a life together. Alhamdulillah for the blessings~

I guess other people will never know how deep the intimacy between husbands and wives are. Only the people in the marriage itself yang tahu. I thought that people close to me would know. I guess one of the downsides of marriage is that you are no longer 2 individuals...you tend to become a unit (of course its not like you are joined at the hip or something). This also doesn't apply to evertyhing..as both are still 2 different person altogether. But for instance, lets say someone buat A, B will also terase and somewhat be affected. You can't expect A to just bear it alone and B not feel a thing (but most of the time only B je will terase, whereas A takde apa-apa pon. Hurmm.). I guess a blow to A feels like blow also to B. I thought people closest would know. But its disappointing and upsetting when they don't understand :(

In marriage, there are the ups and of course there are the downs. Sangat rollercoaster ride. I guess to really survive this is by being grounded and have a strong foundation. For us Muslims, being close to Allah plays a big part in adapting and surviving. Not only just for marriage but it can also be applied in life in general. I am still struggling to adapt..to survive...to live..and to juggle all those in betweens. I try to remember not to get too caught up with the world and its distractions. I try to remind myself that there is something bigger that awaits...something much much more than all of this. Of course, I guess like most people, I tend to remember Allah the most when I'm at my lowest, when I am sad, when I need something, when I need help, when I don't know what to do, when I need refuge. I try to remind myself not to think of Him only when in despair but to try and remember Him everyday everywhere. I hope He remembers me too.

Guess who's back?

It's been so long since my last post. December 2008. Hohoh. Eclipse will even be coming out soon this summer.

I'm having a lazy Saturday afternoon (which I'm lovin' it by the way) so I thought of updating this blog. I've made some changes to the layouts. I love playing with layouts and interfaces...any job opportunities out there anywhere? Heheh :p

Well...since its been so0o0o lo0o0oonggg...soooo0o0 much have happened. So here's a recap:

• First thing's first...I'm no longer a misses...I'm a MRS now. Been married for 8 months 1 week 3 days according to this anniversary ticker down here :)

Married life so far has been great. Of course there are the ups and downs...we still argue sometimes and then there's the occasional merajuking here and there..life is not always peachy..but at the end of the day..I'm grateful that I've found my other half.

It wasn't planned and we didn't know each other for that long but by a year of getting to know each other we got married. Many people often ask how we met and all since me having met someone came out of the blue. What more deciding to get married and all :p Well, to those who didn't know. I met Hilmi for the very first time on August 31st, 2008. I was driving my sister to her friend's house for a kenduri. It turned out that my sister's friend had a brother and that brother was Hilmi. We got to know each other there and things just started to fall into place. We had some sort of chemistry going on and I was very comfortable around him. One thing led to another and on July 24th, 2009 we got married. Alhamdulillah for all the blessings~ I'd better stop before I get too mushy. Hilmi's not here and I miss him :p

• Anyway, soon after came graduation. After 4 long years of studying, I graduated. Alhamdulillah. Oh how I miss the good old studying days. Now I know that it is so0o0o true when people say that student life is the best phase of your life. Nothing to worry about but just studying. But I guess all of us have to grow up. We can't be stuck in that phase forever right?

• I'm also currently working now. Last month was my 1 year anniversary with from the company. 1 year has been ever so short come to think of it. I currently live nearby my office. It's only a 5-10 minutes drive which I love compared to the 1 jammed-packed-hour going through MRR2 from Bangi :p Having our own place is also an experience and I love playing house :)

• Oh..and last but not least..I'm currently pregnant. About 7 months. 2 more months to go InshaAllah. The Doc says its a boy :) Hopefully things will go well for the pregnancy and birth. Ameen~

Here's my baby bump. Doesn't quite look like a baby bump does it? Looks like I had too much to eat more like it :p Will try to get better pictures next time.

Well, thats that. Looks like I rambled quite a lot here. Hurm. I'm going through soo0o much with the pregnancy and all. It is indeed a life experience. I feel like I need to record things down. Heheh. Hopefully, I'll write more in my next entry. Looks like my blog will turn into a mommy baby blog. I'm growing up~ Aaaaaaaaahhh~ Yikes~ Heheh :p

"to be happy means learning to let go of expectations from yourself or from other people"