Of coping~

Tomorrow will be Aqil's 5th birthday. Alhamdulillah he has grown up to be a great boy. It was my birthday a few days back. I think it was one my saddest birthdays. To be frank..I dont know whether to feel sad because you are no longer here H, or because I should feel grateful that I'm blessed by Allah to reach the 30 year old mark. In short it was a mix of emotions. I wished you were there on that day by my side. I wish you are here now.

Today, Aqil had his follow up appointment. Alhamdulillah the doctor said that he can remove his cast in 2 weeks time. I dont know why, but everytime I go for the kids follow up I feel sad. Usually you will teman me for these appointments. And the thought that why I was there saddens me so much. But fret not dear H, I am strong for the kids..I hope. Luckily I had Abah to teman me. Its not the same though having you with us like always :(

After the appointment, I went to TTDI's Maxis Center to terminate your account and settle the outstanding bill. A part of me dont want to close your account but then the bill will keep on going. Your phone was no where to be found since the accident. I tried calling you many times but all I got was voice mail. Maybe it got lost/broken during the incident. I still call you, you know. It feels good to see your face up on my recent calls. Just like old times. I also still message you from time to time when I miss you most or when I need to rant out. Just like old times. Like usual, I wouldnt get much response from you. You were not the texting type but more of the calling type. I miss you dearly H. Thats why I was kind of emotional to terminate your Maxis account. I still want or I guess need to call/text you. Once your account has been terminated, someone else might get to use your number. Huhu.

Writing to you in a way helps me to be a bit stronger. Its like you're there and its ok. Or the fact that I'm staying strong for you. I dont want you to get sad or anything like that. You always taught me to be happy and live life positively. You always reminded me to not be sad and be optimistic when you were here. I learnt a lot from you H. I hope I can remember and practice that in the future.

You were the perfect husband that I could ever asked for. Of course back then I know I always complained..I thought I wanted much more out of you. I wanted you to be more romantic lalala. But it seems that what I had was enough. More than enough. But its too late now. I regret that. I took you for granted. I failed to see the love that you showered us through your actions. You always said that kan? I je yang tak faham2. Its true like what they always say..'You'll truly miss someone when they are truly gone'. :(

You were great with the kids. Ever so patient in dealing with them. You played with them when I was too tired to layan them. You became their best friend. The best dad that they could ever ask for. I hope they still can remember the good times they had with you H. They are still so young. Abang knows that you are gone. He understands. I dont think he has ever cried because of you gone. He is such a brave and big boy. Memang 'Abang'. He misses you dearly and he loves you. But I've never seen him cry. I hope he's ok. I know he loves you so much. You yang selalu bangun malam2 buatkan susu for him and check and tukar his nappy malam2. You tak kisah pon. You did it like you enjoyed it. Thats what I loved about you H. Always ever so positive. Everyday..I always remind him to bacakan the Fatihah and pray for you, Tokbah and Tokma as well. Alhamdulillah he's been doing it everyday. Hope its something for you over there H.

Adil on the hand seems to not understand what is going on. He's asked about you before. I told him you were with Allah. Because I know he doesnt understand the dying/gone forever part. He acts that you with Allah, is like you are at some place and that you will be coming back at some point. At one time tu I asked 'Adik..Abah dekat mana?' Dia cakap "Abah kan dekat Allah. Alaaa..Adik nak ikut Abah." Macam you pegi OU/7e je yang dia nak ikut2. I tried to make him understand but dia tak faham concept lagi. At one time tu he saw me crying and he asked me why. I said 'Mama rindu Abah.' And then he said 'Abah kan dengan Allah. Nanti Abah dah sihat Abah balik lah.' Dengan nada ceria2 dia bercerita tu. Lagi la I nangis dengar dia cakap mcmtu. He's too small to understand. I tanya 'Adik rindu Abah?' Dia jawab 'Rindu!'. Oh Adik. Why are you so innocent.

I've been rambling a lot. My post ni takde tujuan but to ramble. All these details in life I selalu lupa. So I guess its good to have it recorded like this. Whenever rindu, I'll read up my own blog. Post ni dah jadi mcm letter to you pulak. Huhu.

I love you H. Forever and always. There's always a place for you inside my heart. Hope you are ok over there. I always pray for you H. Eventhough I just knew you for less than 7 years..you have impacted me in such a huge way possible. Father to both of my kids. The love of my life. I miss you and will constantly pray the best for you..inshaaAllah.

Al-fatihah.

Abah and Adil at Satay Satay, OU (2014)