Of a New Year - 2016

We're in the first month of 2016 now.

2015 has been a testing year.

An eventful year.

A year of heartache...of loss...and of healing.

A year I lost my dear husband.

A year that I will never forget.

I never in my wildest mind imagined that 2015 was going to be that 'eventful'. 

How would I have ever known...

Early 2015, I thought that 2015 would have been just like any other year.

A year for us to progress...to grow...to advance...in our careers...financially..spiritually and strengthening the bond that we have of our little family...it will be just like any other year..

A year to add a little one perhaps...(that was Hilmi's idea but I didn't think that we were ready yet).

But now, how I wished I had another mini Hilmi to remind him by. The more the merrier.

But indeed Allah knows best.

Earlier in 2015...as the days were rolling by...weeks passed by...month after month passed by and lo and behold we were already in the fourth month of 2015. How time quickly flies.

I can still remember that day fresh in my mind.

I try to recall that week before the accident.

It was just a normal week.

Nothing fascinating much.
The week passed by as normal and then it was Friday.

'The' day.

On that fateful day...my life turned 360 degrees around.

All those close to me...our lives turned upside down.

Never would I have imagined that things could have changed soo much soo soon.

With Allah's will...my love...my rock...my pillar of strength left me forever from this dunya.

My sayang left us all forever to go on to the next phase of life...the after-life.

The following days really was a blur.
I was busy in the hospital as Aqil was still injured and warded.

I didn't how I managed to get through it all and the days after that.

As so was the following weeks...following months.
Alhamdulillah, with Allah's mercy..the support from my family and friends I managed to pull through.

I had 4 months and 10 days to observe the iddah, a period to reflect and mourn for my husband while at the same time try to carry on with life.

After about nearly 2 months on leave since the accident, I had to go back to work. Going back to work in a way helped me to focus on other things and not dwell on what happened.
However, it was bittersweet coming back to the office..the parking lot...our lunch spot...seeing the places that we always went together...once together now alone.

But during that time...despite what happened..I still had a lot to be grateful for.  

Alhamdulillah the kids recovered fast and even now they are still recovering.

Alhamdulillah I have them to look forward to everytime I come back from a long and tiring day at work.

Alhamdulillah I have my family and the support that I needed to get through the difficult times.

Alhamdulillah that the kids have all the love that they can get from family and friends.

Hopefully they will still grow up with lots of love surrounding them..in shaa Allah.

I guess I will never know why Allah took Hilmi away from me at that particular time in my life.
But I guess he was never mine's in the first place. He was just borrowed to me by The Most Merciful.
We are all created by Allah and to Him we shall return.
My husband is now where he truly belonged - by his Creator.

I guess all this happened for a reason.
It is Allah's will and indeed He is the best of planners.
It maybe a blessing in disguise. I believe it was..well in a way.

Reflecting back how I was back then, maybe it was a way to help me wake up, open my eyes and also my heart.
To wake up and see what is most important in life.
To realize why we are here.
To realize why we are created.
To ask ourselves our real goal in life and of our final destination.

It maybe something that I've been missing or neglecting all this while.
I know all this..I guess we all know all this but to have something like this happen to you it really left a big impact on me.
It surely is a big reminder. A  HUGE reminder. A BIG-FAT-in-your-face reminder.
A reminder to question myself...to set and align back my priorities that may have been deviated from the ultimate path due to other things in this dunya.
Thank you Allah.
Thank you Allah for choosing me.
Thank you Allah for loving me.
Thank you Allah for blessing me with this reminder.
To set me back on the right track.
To really realize that this dunya is only temporary.
To realize that Death knows no age or time..and that it can come to anyone at any time when Allah wills it.

People say that I'm strong to go through all this at a young age.
I don't think I'm strong. I'm still me. Imperfect me...full of flaws..full of insecurities.
I don't know how I should react in this kind of situation.
So I just go by the flow. One step at a time.
Alhamdulillah with Allah's mercy I accept what happened with an open heart.
I am redha with His plans.
I am not totally okay though.
I still have the bad days.
The days when I wished for Hilmi to be beside me.
To see his smile, to hear his comforting words...to have one of his warm hugs.
To just have someone to talk to..to share something with..to share one of our inside jokes.
I miss his company. His warmth. His love.
Of course I miss my dear Hilmi :(

I have faith in Allah that His plans are for the best.

He has His reason's for planning this, the way He intended it to be.

I do not know why and I will never understand why but I shall always have trust in Him.
"...Allah knows, while you know not" {Al-Baqarah 2:216}

2015 has already left us.

That year has left...but the memories from that year will forever remain.

The good ones and also the bad ones.

I believe this test will help me be a better person than I once was (hopefully..in sha aAllah) and help mold me for the better.
2016 for me..hopefully will be a year for me to heal...to find peace...to find solace..to be grateful...to surround myself with loved ones...to appreciate my parents more...to give back and to strive so that I could be reunited with my dearest Hilmi in jannah..in shaa Allah.

Happy New Year people.

Love,
Nurulhusna Md Jan