Of trying to move on~

Assalamualaikum Hilmi. I hope you are fine and resting in peace over there. Its the 4th day of Ramadhan 1436H. My first Ramadhan without you. We met and went out for the first time 7 Ramadhan's ago. Iftar and Tarawih.

Its my first night here in the house since the accident. Its been 2 months now. Its not the same. It doesn't feel like home anymore. It didn't feel like this when I came over 2 weeks ago to get some things from the house. I dunno why it feels different now.

I guess because I already have another routine back in Bangi? Going to work, the commute, the routine so maybe this routine that I am so accustomed to now feels 'weird'? I dunno :(

I came across a letter that I found about while looking through your stuff. It amazes me that I found the letter at the perfect time. I got the feeling that it was meant to be found. It's like Allah guided me to look through your other bag and find it. Mashaa Allah...He and His powers. I didn't even know you had the letter made. Usually I know all these sort of things. This time I didn't..but Allah designed it so perfectly so that I would find it. If I hadn't gone for this sleepover I wouldn't have the time to go through your old stuff here in the room, then I wouldn't have found it. Even later if I did, it would all be too late. Mashaa Allah..He has plans that only He knows the extent of it. And then, that letter dated Oct 2014, about 6 months ago..its like you know and you were getting prepared for whats to come. Ya Allah. It gives me the shivers to think of His power and knowledge.

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My first night sleeping in the room without you. It felt different. I felt hollow inside. Sometimes I try to picture you on your side of the bed. I picture you walking about in the room. But then all is left are the memories that we had.

This house also feels empty. It feels incomplete. 3 of its residents no longer here. Adil asked where was Tok Bah. He asked if Tok Bah was upstairs like where he used to be. I didn't expect that from Adil. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he forgot. I had to explain again where Tok Bah was in a completely fake calm serene voice. Oh Adil~

We did solat berjemaah together dinner. Just like old times. This time Din was the imam. Previously it was Abah or if he was not around it would be you. I don't think I pernah solat and Din was the imam. Selalu ikut ranking seniority and you were the abang.

The one thing I miss most since you were not around is having an imam. You were my imam back then. We would try to pray together whenever we could. Its a trait/habit that I admire from your family's side. Always perfoming solah berjemaah. As for us, we would usually pray together during the weekends or for Isha' when the kids were asleep. I miss those moments. Baca doa lepas solat together. You suka baca doa and zikir panjang sampai I ngantuk. Huhu. I miss those times on the prayer mat. It all started masa I pregnant, I sakit belakang so you asked me to baring on your lap. You continued on while tepuk-tepuk I like a baby. It was so comforting. I felt so safe..so at home. And somehow it continued on whenever I penat..I will lay my head on your head sambil bertelekung and berzikir. I miss those days. Those moments. I miss you. Everytime I finish solat, I'll think of you. I'll think of those moments that we had together.

But all these nikmats hanya pinjaman Allah. Alhamdulillah for all the blessings that you have showered upon us. We put our heart out for the dunya when in fact we should have our heart set for Allah. Ya Allah..please forgive us, have mercy on us and guide us to the right path. Inshaa Allah.