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Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Of Adapting~

This Ramadhan has been a testing month. Not because of the fasting or the traffic or anything like that. But its the feeling I get during this month. I don't know why. I feel more emotional. I reminisce a lot during this month. The things that I took for granted. You. Even the simple things in life.

Before I was married, I consider myself to be an independent person. Being the eldest and all, I'd like to think myself as independent. Back then I drove myself everywhere usually alone. I didn't seem to think that it was troublesome back then. After being married, you were the one that drove me everywhere. You were my personal driver. My chauffeur. My suami. Our office merely 5 minutes away saw us going to and back from work together. I got used to you driving me around and me being the Ma'am Besar. I guess I took that for granted. I know I took that for granted eventhough at times I relay my appreciation towards you driving me around. We used to joke around and say "Bertuah I ada suami/isteri macam you. Alhamdulillah~" whenever we want to voice out our thanks/appreciation for the other.

Yesterday, I was craving for Puteri's tauhu kuah kacang and kuih lopes. Thought I would drop by after work. But knowing TTDI during Ramadhan and bazaar nya lagi..parking was a nightmare. I didn't manage to get my tauhu. I used to remember last year or at times like these when parking was difficult you would just drop me off, then you would circle around looking for a parking/standing spot and then once I'm done you would fetch me. At that time I took all of this for granted. I never thought much of it. Until now :( Wish you were here.

Last year during Ramadhan, you would fetch me at my office at 4.30pm. Then we would go to TTDI's bazaar, fetch the kids and go back home. Now, everyday I pass by that bazaar..see the throngs of people and reminisced on what once was. Huhu. Bukannya I miss the bazaar but the time that I get to spend with you going to the bazaar. It was a fun occasion. Missing you dearly H.

Then there's living with my family. I love them dearly but since being married with you I was treated like a princess and I never even knew it. You put me/my needs above yours. Back then I never thought much about it. I thought.."ooh..suami memang kena buat mcmtu kot." But now I know how much you loved me. How much you loved us. Thank you sayang for being the best husband and abah to the kids. I'm so grateful to have had a husband like you and to get to feel the love from you. There are some less unfortunate that do not get to feel this kind of love. May Allah shower them with His love. 

You loved me without judgement. Eventhough you judge, I tak terasa sangat because I knew that was just you teasing. Like the other day, I'm a picky eater...my family knows that..you know that..most people close knows that. But my family - God bless them, I know they have good intentions and all..but they judge me and say something like 'You ni..boleh ke jangan choose makanan? Belajar lah makan itu lalala." Its actually a normal thing and I know its for my own good but I dunno why I terasa at that time. Call it PMS. Duh! Back then, whenever, I get that line I would just ignore it and take it in like a pinch of salt. It didn't matter what they say because I know I always had you. If I say the same thing to you, you would never judge. You would just layan me and accept me for who I am. Picky eater or not. You would love me for who I am and did not try to change me. Eventhough it was not always the case..but usually the other way round. I always wanted to try and change some part of you..hihihi. But that's another story altogether.

Sometimes, it's just really sad. I no longer have someone to have my back. Whom I can always be honest 100% to. Whom I can always be myself 100% to. I miss you. I miss the way how you treat me. I miss the way how you make me feel. I miss all of you. Your body..your heart..your soul.

Ya Allah..please make me strong to go through this test of yours. Make me come out a better person through it all. Guide me to the right way. Ya Allah..please bless us all and grant us your mercy. 

Thank you Allah for lending H to us all this time. 

Al-fatihah to Allahyarham Ahmad Zulhilmi Assanah (Nov 1984 - April 2015)
Love you till Jannah~

I know its cliche, but now I truly get the meaning of 'love you till Jannah'. May you be at peace over there H. May we meet again...see you soon..inshaaAllah.

Night and day, I still feel you are close to me
And I remember you in every prayer that I make
Every single day may you be shaded by His mercy
But life is not the same, and it will never be the same
But I'm so thankful for every moment I shared with you
Cause I know this life is not forever

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